I wish I knew

$334.00

Three HUNDRED and thirty four dollars.

That is a lot of money. Enough that it deserves to be written twice. Mmmm? What could I spend that kind of money on? A plane ticket to Florida to visit my parents? Some new professional clothes for my job so that I don’t have to wear the same suit over and over again? Nights out with my husband? A trip to a spa?

No, I’d much rather put three HUNDRED and thirty four dollars towards a check made out to “Wisconsin Public Service” to pay for the heat bill on a house that I do not live in. A large, beautiful EMPTY house in Green Bay that requires immense amounts of therms to keep it at a balmy 50 degrees so that my pipes don’t freeze.

I’m not sure how to handle this second house dilemma much longer. Monday marks the end of the ninth month that our house has been for sale. I am at my ropes end. I am tired of worrying about money and tired of thinking about this seemingly COLOSSEL mistake that we have made. The mistake is multi-faceted which makes it seem worse.

The easy parts of the mistake to talk about are obvious. Easy fact: we bought a home in Salt Lake before we sold ours in Green Bay and now pay mortgage and bills on TWO homes at the same time. Easy fact: we had to take out a second loan to pay for the down payment on the new home – this amounts to oodles and oodles of dollars spent towards interest and finance charges.

There are other parts of this scenario that are much harder to accept. Hard fact: We put so much of our heart and soul into this house that it has permanently altered the face of my family.

We bought the house approximately 9 weeks before Harrison was born. We didn’t move in immediately instead gutting the first floor (about 1400 sq. feet) first so that we could remodel it. My husband and I did the bulk of the work, but had a few friends help mainly with the demolition. Chris rewired everything, hung insulation, put in cable and speaker wires, put up drywall and then we plastered and painted. I did as much as I could in my pregnant state, but never could help as much as I wanted. For example, we moved ourselves into the new house (again with help from family and friends) and Harrison was born (emergency c-section) about 24 hours later. Needless to say, it was an extremely stressful time and I wonder to this day if that stress has permanently affected my son’s behavior. He was an extremely high-maintenance baby (some called him colicky) and still is a bit emotional now.

This house has also shaped my marriage. Chris and I had been married for 8 months when we bought the house. We had been together for almost three years, but I still didn’t really know every aspect of him, specifically his “dreamer” side. Chris and I both love old houses – their charm, character, history, etc. We are attracted to the neighborhoods they are located in and their often close proximity to a downtown or historic area. When Chris walked into our house in Green Bay for the first time, he saw potential as I did. He has a construction background, and carpentry skills, so he immediately started drawing mental architectural plans for remodeling this house. All of these mental pictures came out sounding something like this, “We could move that wall ...” or “Some do-it-yourselfer did a crappy job on that, I could....” What I learned, after living in this home for four years, is that Chris had marvelous ideas that required much more work than he was able or willing to put in. Our weekends were work sessions. It’s kind of like being in college – the “if you’re not in class, you should be studying” concept. The load on Chris’ shoulders of completing the never-ending house projects was immense. Our first years of marriage were full of stress (we had two babies through all of this) and I believe it negatively shaped our marriage forever. We’re ok. Don’t get me wrong, but I do think we would be in better shape if we had not taken on such a behemoth task.

So where does that lead me? How do I wrap my head around the fact that I just need to accept this as I do any other trial or tribulation I encounter?

I guess I just have to. I need to remember that some day I WILL know the reason behind all of this.