lunches in restaurants or mac n cheese at home?

the new do



Why does it always seem to be greener on the other side of the fence? I have worked full time since my kids were born, but for the first time I’m having serious doubts about my choice. Because I work for a public school system, I do get summers with the kids, but is that enough? Do they deserve to be home with me (or Chris)? Would I be able to psychologically handle it?

I’ve been on Spring Break since last Thursday. Got up this morning with every intention of going to back to work after five days away. Ran on my treadmill. Started making lunches for the kids, when Ella trotted into the kitchen whining, “Hold me. Hold me.” (It’s adorable the first couple of times....) I reached down to pick her up and immediately recognized the tell tale sign of a fever – she was warm under her arms. I pulled her into a hug and pushed my hand under her shirt onto her bare back. She was burning up. I immediately knew I wouldn’t be going to work today. Chris’ job is more demanding right now and though we usually discuss who will stay home according to work load/commitments, I knew that I would be staying. In fact, like a mother bear, I wanted to stay home - to protect and care for my little girl.

Harrison, usually the first one up, wouldn’t get up this morning. He lingered in bed much longer than usual. I made his lunch and planned for him to go to his new preschool without Ella. I didn’t realize how much of a transition this is for him – switching schools. He gave me quite a pathetic face as I told him that Ella was staying home and he would have to go to school alone. “But Mama, I have a fever, too.” (fake cough, fake cough) Dropping him off this morning was really hard. He just stood there staring at Ella and me as we left him amongst the staff and kids who are virtual strangers to him. Last Friday, his first day at this school, I think he spent most of his time exploring and playing with Ella. The reality of him going alone was hard for both of us.

Focusing on Ella, I came to the realization that she has become a rather sickly kid. She had a follow-up doctor’s appointment, from her trip to the ER two or three weeks ago, scheduled for today. Good thing because the inhalers aren’t cutting it anymore. She’s hacking up a lung every other minute and I’m sick of it. Sick of the fevers, treatments, coughing, and medications. I sent her on her way to the doctor with Chris because I had a lunch appointment with a potential business partner for my school. We need speakers and money to keep up our program.

The meeting was great. I was articulate and “sales-ish” without sounding crass and annoying. The gentleman I met with travels to Europe a lot and speaks fluent French. His interest in my school was sincere and his questions were really fun to answer. We also talked about business, religion (I know – weird, but not a bad weird), divorce, mountains, and ambition. He brought out a side of me that has been hard to find lately. I was interesting without talking about potty training or preschool dilemmas.

When I got home, Chris gave me the doctor’s visit wrap-up. “Ella has five prescriptions waiting for her at the pharmacy.” Great. Ear infection, more inhalers, steroids, etc. Even the pharmacist seemed sympathetic as she handed me all the medicine. Ella took it all in stride. “I want my Sing-gu-lah!” she sang throughout the drugstore. (She used to take Singulair daily, but an allergist told me to stop and now she’s back on and heard me say so.)

I then decided to pick Harrison up early from school for two reasons: 1) I was worried about his mental state – he’s still pretty emotional after all the discipline he received at his old school and 2) he has indoor soccer tonight and I didn’t want to rush him there right after school. He was half asleep on his cot when we arrived. (Yes, I’m the lame parent who doesn’t know when rest time is and bounded into school with Ella making lots of noise.) Harry lifted his head half way and then covered his mouth with his fingers together and straight. “Do you need to throw up?” “mumble, mumble” “Do you want to sleep some more?” “mumble, WHINE, mumble” “C’mon Harrison – let’s go home.”

As usual, Harry sat down to take off his shoes inside the door. He threw his coat on the floor and walked directly into his bed. It happened so fast that all I saw were the covers being pulled up over his body. These are not typical behaviors of my boy. He rarely naps anymore, let alone by choice.

I got Ella settled in front of a video (or as I like to justify it and call it “Quiet Time”) and the guilt pains rushed to the surface. How do we handle Harrison’s care for tomorrow? Should I take another day off? Will Chris be able to? What about Ella? She’s probably not ready to go back, but could if we pushed it. Do I even care if I miss another day of work? Shouldn’t I? Do I even like my job right now? Then the big one hit – IF YOU STAYED HOME YOU WOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE WORRIES.

So here I sit. Contemplating life’s little quandaries. What makes me happy? What’s the right thing to do? You know – just typical stuff.