Some days I want to hit rewind or do-over.
Things started okay – I actually got on my treadmill this morning AND turned it on. Got to work early and accomplished a lot. Interacted with the students, which I rarely get to do in this position, to photograph them for a surprise project I’m working on. These were the higher highs.
Lower lows included going to a new neurologist for a second opinion. My face has been numb since late September and I’m looking for answers. First thing was the weigh-in. THAT was fun. They had a large steel square on the floor that I had to step on. I felt like a truck or a farm animal. The digital numbers flashed in front of me - numbers larger than I’ve seen in over 10 years. Then the nurse said, “Is that right?” “I don’t know” “How tall are you?” “5’8”, why?” At this point I’m about as humiliated as I could be. Was she asking if it was possible that someone could be this fat? “We’ve been having problems with the scale” Great. Just my luck. Actually, the scale was working fine. I’m just big right now.
The appointment was not exactly what I expected. My well-educated neurologist had no idea what’s wrong with me. Here was his analogy: “Some nights you wake up and hear a noise. You walk around and you can’t find anything. The doors and windows are still locked. No one is lurking around. What does that mean? That nothing is there.” Yup. My University of Utah brain doctor has no idea what’s wrong with me and basically told me to relax. Sure. Did I mention that my FACE IS NUMB!!!!!!!!!
After the doctor, I went to get the kids and the pick up went from bad to worse. Ella was in a really bad mood. She was whiny and disrespectful – not in her nature usually – that’s more my style. Just to add to the madness was her refusal to sit on the toilet. Great. I have six whole days till she needs to be completely potty trained. Picking up Harrison didn’t go any better. Both kids ran from me in opposite directions. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.
Beth called while I was in transit to schedule our “training” walk. She offered Dave up for sitting all the kids as Chris stayed at work late. My kids were so out of control by the time we drove into my driveway that I kept them strapped in their seats while I ran in and changed into my workout clothes. There’s some classic Dr. Spock.
Our visit to the Adam’s went well until we had to leave. Same old drill. Ella and Harrison have the directions embossed in their brains. When Mom wants/needs to leave, make it as DIFFICULT as possible. Run away. Refuse to put coat and shoes on. Talk back. We finally made it out, but the added struggles started to send me over the edge.
Putting the kids through the bedtime routine by myself is kind of hard. They both need a lot of individual attention. Highlights of this evening: lots of yelling, lots of crying, lots of guilt and one spanking. I spanked Harry and he looked at me and said, “that didn’t hurt” – this was uttered by the same Harrison who just yesterday I was so enchanted by. I proceeded to pull his pants down and slap his bare bottom. He started to cry. Hard. I cried too.
Chris called to check in during all of this and I managed to spread my love to him. I told him it was completely unfair that he wasn’t home. (Mind you I have worked over 40 hours of overtime in the last four weeks or so and he has not once complained let alone yelled at me to COME HOME.) He still hasn’t come home and it’s 10:30 PM. He must have a lot of work to do.
Kids are asleep and I’m all alone feeling awful. I work so much and have so little time with my kids. Why wasn’t I able to make them laugh tonight? Why did I yell so quickly? Why didn’t I use the great tactic of distraction more often? Why did I hit my son? I am mortified with myself.
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12 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself. everyone has bad days from time to time.
you will get up in the morning and start again! I had a fight with my oldest daughter last night about how she should do her homework. We ended up yelling at each other, but this morning we made up and the day started just great (Except for the fact that I got the flu and can hardly move).
Thank you for the information on the school issue.
This is the first time I have posted a comment....and I hope you don't mind a stranger saying this but please don't be harsh with yourself Carol. You have a lot to juggle at the moment with your mother being ill, trying to toilet-train Ella, your facial numbness AND keeping the household running and going out to work - this is a big load for anyone to carry. From your posts, you seem to be coping amazingly, so please give yourself a big pat on the back for how well you are doing, and try to forget days like the one you just had.
I know I have an extra do-over button around here somewhere! I'll send it your way as soon as I find it. It's probably buried in the same drawer as my round-to-its. If I had an extra break I'd send it along as well....but, I've been taking them all for myself. I know, I'm selfish. Guess, you'll have to give yourself a break.
I hear your pain and I'm sorry you've had such a wonderfully awful day. I say focus on the good stuff and blame the bad stuff on Bush. You know it's his fault in some way, shape or form!
We're all doing the best we can. Some days just suck. I had a similar situation when my son was little - husband called while I was fighting to give the baby a bath - I ended up putting a hole in the bathroom wall by banging the door repeatedly against it. My son looked at me like I'd turned into a monster and started crying. Not my best day.
Honey, your face has been numb for months, your doctors have no clue what's going on, you're stressed and worried, and your two wonderfully adorable children are being pulled in different directions like the sea and tide during a fierce moon cycle. I feel like I should give you a medal, because I would have ABSOLUTELY KILLED SOMEBODY, let alone delivered a spanking.
It's a bad day and I hope it passes without much more effect, but I think you're fantastic.
Okay, you are not the only mom who feel mortified with yourself some days! Rest easy knowing that all of us, at some point, have vivid fantasies of tying our children up with duct tape. My husband traveled for year, from November 2003 until November 2004. He was gone M-Th every week and I had to handle the 8 yr old and the twins who were not yet two, all alone! I had so many days like the one you wrote about! This too shall pass =) Hang in there!
Oh, honey. Everything's going to be all right. You are a wonderful mom, a fine woman, and a regular human being. You didn't do any permanent damage, and at the end of such a day, that's a winning score.
I know someone with trigeminal neuralgia. And he's fine, but it was tough to diagnose. See if the symptoms ring a bell.
Hey Carol, I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.
I once had a friend who had something called Bell's Palsy. It left her face (I believe just one side) numb for several months. Have the doctors explored that as an option for you?
Hang in there kiddo (that's what my Dad still tells me). :)
If it makes you feel better, my dad used to spank me and my siblings ALL THE TIME for being evil. I'm sure he felt stressed like you did w/raising three kids on his own. But really I'm fine, don't think I was abused and turned out 'normal'. Days like these happen and they do say 'spare the rod spoil the child'. If a swat for bad behavior = dcfs...unreal.
Like Jensplace, my dad would hit (spank) me--and it was out of anger and him losing his temper (not controlled discipline). I think I turned out fine and I still like him.
Reading your post made ME tired... I can only imagine all you are having to take now. I mean, come on, anyone working nights and weekends for a month would be way more edgy than you have been.
If I don't see you today, I'll see you tomorrow...I missed rolling my eyes with you at our morning meeting today.
Amanda G.
Carol,
Sounds like you had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Every mother who can tell the truth will admit to having days like this. Know that you are not alone, and that by sharing your experience you are probably making someone else realise that she/he is not alone. Hang in there.
Oy, that sounds like a long, hard day! Don't sweat it. Much like everyone did, we all have these moments. I'm sorry to hear about the face weirdness. I had a droop a few years ago and my doctor was about as helpful. After doing a brain MRI he said "well, there's no tumor so it could be nothing or it could be the initial sign of a neuro disorder." It was very comforting. I found a new doctor...
Here's to better days coming soon.
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