Anyone know a good charm school?

It’s hard to watch my kids eat. Watch in an analytical sort of way. I do technically see them eat daily, but I’m usually busy doing other things like dishes or making bag lunches.

We try to have dinners together at the dining room table (I’m a counselor – I KNOW the importance of this), but it can be difficult. You see, they can move around. Literally. They jump out of their chairs and run around - run to their room for something, run over by their sibling to poke or tease, climb under the table or (my personal favorite) jump out just to stand next to their chair. They simply cannot sit in a chair quietly for more than about one minute.

Sitting at the kitchen counter has solved most of our mobility issues, but we can find nothing to solve our Poor Table Manners problem. Harrison is REALLY good at The Chipmunk. You know – he often daintily holds his food with both hands and then he chews quickly simultaneously shoving the food in barely able to keep from choking because he can’t swallow fast enough. Ella, on the other hand, has mastered The Scooper. She attempts to use silverware as often as possible, but nothing is better at getting as much food into her mouth, as fast as possible, as scooping it with her hand and then pushing it into her mouth. She loses approximately a third of the amount every time.

Tonight, as Chris monitored this evening’s Poor Table Manners, he commented that he was anxious for them to grow up so that they could start cleaning up after themselves. (We do ask them to clean up their table messes occasionally, but who are we kidding? Preschoolers can’t clean for shit.) He then made some reference to the zoo and monkeys. (You can probably fill in the blanks.)

The monkey reference definitely grabbed the kids’ attention. They thought that was hilarious. So, my lovely spouse tried to turn it into a teachable moment.

Chris: “What does a monkey do, Harrison?”
Harry: Lifts arm and scratches arm pit.

Chris: “What else does a monkey do?”
Harry: Lifts other arm to scratch that arm pit.

Warms my cockles to know that the hard-earned thousands we have invested in Harrison’s ACADEMIC preschool are paying us such grand dividends.