Distant memories

This rock totally reminds me of Ziggy (the cartoon)

Ever been to your own funeral?

Joshua Tree National Park

I brilliantly left my power cord for my laptop sitting on the floor of the hotel room in Palm Spring...thus my lack of posting.  I have 44 precious minutes left of battery still waiting for the Fed Ex package to arrive from Rosa - a lovely housekeeping manager.  I doubt she knows how much I love her for finding and saving my cord.

The last two days have been a roller coaster.  I have never felt so much anxiety in my life.  I still don't know why I was "non-renewed", but have learned that I am well liked and respected by others on my faculty.  They are rallying around me like and I have to admit it feels nice.  It doesn't take away the nauseousness, shakes  or grapefruit-sized knot in my stomach, but it does help.

I am definitely in the angry mode.  I think that's better than the "woe-is-me" mode.  One thing I do know - being back is HARD.  Rum and cokes with Heather daily was much more fun.  

I have plans in my arsenal thanks to an incredibly supportive husband and group of supportive friends.  I'm really not sure why this happened yet - and may never know - but I'm not ready to embrace it.  It totally sucks, but on the bright side - it's a great weight-loss plan!!!

Is Harrison only 7?

Finally!  A warm day!

Harry:  I don't like tuna.

Chris:  You've never tried it.

Harry:  Yes I have.

Chris:  Where?  When?  We've never served it to you.

Harry:  Yes, you gave it to me for lunch.

Me:  No, honey, I'm pretty sure we've never given you tuna.  When was this?

Harry:  In 1970.

Palm Desert didn't know what hit it!

There's a reason the word "wise" is often used when referring to old people.

Well, I need to find my sweater - the high today is only going to be 76 degrees.  Somehow I think I'll manage!

This week has truly been a blessing.  I was given time to calm down, listen to LOTS of advice and really do some internal searching.  The main theme of the advice has been - Take the High Road.  On Saturday afternoon, I couldn't even fathom that approach, but with each day of sunshine, rum and relaxation - I begin to consider it and even embrace it.  

Some people have told me that I just need to get over it.  Others, that I shouldn't go back since the way I was told was so unprofessional.  Most people, though, are telling me that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It may take me a few more days to completely believe that, but I know deep down that I will soon.

Just to clarify...

I know dooce, I really, really like dooce, but I was not dooced.

No one at my school, near my school, or who may have graduated from my school, knows I have a blog.

Many drinks later...

Going on vacation, immediately after learning that I wouldn't have a job next fall, was probably the best thing I could have done. Poor Heather has had to listen to me complain, whine and get angry for the last twenty four hours. She's been great about keeping it all in perspective, though. "F**k'em, you deserve so much better...let's drink!"

We're in Palm Springs visiting an old friend of mine and it's definitely therapeutic. I had a margarita by the pool yesterday afternoon. Drinks in our condo before dinner. Another margarita at the restaurant and then more back at my friend Monika's condo. Yep, who needs therapy?

Yes, I have a headache this morning, but nothing a little ibuprofen can't tackle. Today I feel calmer. I know that this is "for the best", but I just hadn't planned on leaving school counseling this way. I had visions of them begging me to stay when I quit. This is a little different. Now I don't even know if I can show my face next Monday. Think about it - I'm supposed to go back to work - for TWO MONTHS and act as if everything is fine. What do I tell the students? I have to tell some of them as I'm the advisor of a club and we're planning for next year right now.

Monika said yesterday that I have to go back and act completely professionally, or don't go back at all. I'm not to discuss it with anyone - just hold my head up high and continue to do good work. Ummmm, what? Me? Act like the bigger person? Not get petty? I honestly don't know if I can do that. C'mon! If I go back, I want to bash these people, behind their backs, because I'm a chicken shit when it comes to confrontation. I'm basically admitting that I don't think I have it in me to be the consummate professional. I will be officially entering my mid-forties next month, but today I feel like I'm 14. I'm just sayin' - if I had to go back today, I don't think I'd act terribly mature at all times.

So today the cleansing needs to begin. Less alcohol, fewer calories, exercise and laying by the pool are on my preferred agenda. Monika, the Palm Springs party girl, has other ideas, however. She has a lunch date planned for us at 11:00 and drinks and appetizers at 5:00.

I better go workout and try to get some of this out of my system.

On a personal note, Chris - I can't respond to your emails - something about a server connection error - but I am truly sorry that it's snowing in Salt Lake. (tee hee hee!)

Higher highs and lower lows

Her face says it all.  She was full of so many emotions today - she couldn't contain herself.  She laughed, screamed and danced.  We made purses, played "Pin the wand on Tinkerbell", decorated cupcakes and hit a Purse pinata.  

Unfortunately, about 15 minutes before the party started I received a certified letter from my school.  I was "pink slipped" - or I think the correct word is "fired".  As a provisional employee (within three years of employment) the district can let me go without reason.  I was naturally blown away.  This came out of left field.  No phone call - no sit down conversation - a LETTER!  I suspected that I was not my principal's favorite person, but I NEVER believed that she would let that get in the way of our work.  I am a good counselor.  I have not received a negative review - in fact they were supposed to review me twice this year, but never did.  I was never reprimanded or "talked to" about my performance - good or bad.  

As the reality sunk in, I started to freak out.  I actually broke down and started crying and shaking.  Chris didn't know what to do until I yelled, "Go clean the bathroom floor - they'll be here any minute!"  And then he made me a strong rum and coke - I didn't think a valium was appropriate. 

After watching the joy that Ella experienced today, I was able to contain myself a bit and am slowly regaining composure about this situation.  I needed to stay calm for her sake.

After the party, I emailed the attorney on staff with my union.  What do they say in the commercials - wrongful termination?  We'll see what he thinks.  Luckily I have a week to mull this over.  This upcoming week is Spring Break.  At this point, I'm feeling so humiliated I don't think I can face anyone back at school.

California - here I come.

The big day finally arrived - she's six!

I forgot to leave a note on the counter for her.  I just left for work as if it were any other day.  I know what it's like to enjoy a birthday - I still love my birthday, but pretend I don't care now that I'm an adult.  Ella must have gotten her birthday obsessiveness from me.  

I had major working-mom-guilt around 10:00 AM, so I decided to call her school and see if they would let me talk to her.  The front office secretaries are not known for their graciousness, but I pleaded my case and I was patched right in.  

"Happy Birthday honey!"

"Hi, Mama"

"Are you having a great day?"

"Yes.  Guess what?  Lucy asked me to be her partner for centers and Erin asked for me to go to the office with her."

"Because it's your birthday?"

"Yeah.  And a lot of people are saying "Happy Birthday" to me."

I don't think it gets much better than that.

C.J.

We babysat my nephew last week for a few hours.  Chris took Harrison to the Jazz basketball game, so it was up to Ella and me to entertain him.  

We did fine for awhile, but ran out of ideas pretty quickly.  It was time for Ella to take a bath, so I pulled CJ in with us while I ran the water.  He went to the water like a magnet.  I had to strip him down and he just leaned up against the side of the tub and splashed in the water for about 30 minutes until his parents came.  The funniest part was when he would start to slip backwards...his feet were on the bath mat, and since he can't walk yet, he would slowly slip back until his chin was practically propped on the side of the tub.  I would grab him - pull him back up - and the process would continue.

I love her to death, but GAWD she's a lot of work!

Ella's birthday is on Thursday.  Her party is this weekend.  It's hard to believe that it's almost here.  You have to understand...Ella's birthday is a major event around our home.  She has been planning her birthday since last summer.  She plays "birthday party" as often as other kids play "house".  She's had an invite list for her party taped to her bunk bed for months.  The theme for her party has changed at least 20 times.  Finally, after months and months of planning and contemplating, she decided that she wanted to have it at the house.

Great.

If you know me personally, then you know how stressed this decision makes me.  My house is not a castle - hell, it's not even as large or nice as the foyer of a castle.  The idea of lots of screaming little girls inside my house for two hours pretty much makes my skin crawl.  Cleaning, in preparation for this event, makes me even happier.  My absolute favorite part of all of this?  Planning the crafts and games for the party!  (that was sarcasm)  I am so uncomfortable with projects and Ella has requested that we make purses.  

Sure.  I'm on it.

So far, we have purchased one pinata (in the shape of a purse), handed out invitations and bought all the materials to make purses (and one picture frame for the male guest on her list).  All I have left to do is clean, make cupcakes, buy icing/decorations for aforementioned cupcakes (she wants to decorate the cupcakes as a group), finish shopping for her presents, fill the pinata (did you know they didn't come filled?) and make one purse to make sure it works.  I'll be working all week, and need to pack for the trip I'm taking on Sunday, but I'm sure I'll squeeze everything in with ease.  

That's just the kind of gal I am.

Just when you think they never change

Now

Then

Ellastyle - Easter

Classic

We were walking back to the car after the University of Utah gymnastics meet tonight, and since the walk was about 15 miles, I had plenty of time to look at Harrison's coat.  He's worn the same coat for two years.  I spent more than I wanted (about $54) on a ski jacket at the Patagonia outlet.  I mentioned to Chris how nice it was wearing, and that it still fit, blah, blah, blah.  

Harry, who was running all around us - never on the sidewalk near us - ran up next to me and said, "It's because I don't eat my carrots."

Florida pics

When we first arrived and walked into my dad's condo, I noticed a large "something" across the pond out his back door.  I joked that it was an alligator assuming it was a log.  Of course logs don't just fall onto golf courses from palm trees, so we looked closer.  It was indeed an alligator that was about 8 - 9 feet long.
Ella definitely has gotten over her fears of swimming independently.

Harry - my wonderful boy who still refuses to pose for any and all pictures - was much too busy collecting each of the 70 billion "noodles" that were all over the pool.

Not the best shot, but I wanted to capture this moment.  The day after we arrived, February 18th, was my mom's birthday.  We decided to celebrate anyway.  Ella decorated the condo with streamers and balloons (which my dad didn't seem to mind for a minute) and then we bought cupcakes, candles and even sang.  It was pretty sweet.

Ella style.  This was what she chose to wear to our first dinner at my dad's clubhouse.  I just told her that we needed to dress up a bit.  She loves to pose!

Here is a close up of the alligator.  I may have learned how to post photos, but I do not know how to arrange them in a chosen order yet!

I just learned!

expect greatness

I did it.  I signed up for a training class at the Apple store for tomorrow night.  I don't know diddly about this new laptop toy of mine, so Chris got me a "One on One" membership which allows me to get trained on any and everything MacBook Pro for one year.  Tomorrow, I will learn how to organize my photos.  That's what they're calling the session...I'll just ask for help setting up Flickr or something similar so that I can post photos here.  

After my training session, on my uber expensive non-necessary computer, I'll be taking 100 blankets to a homeless shelter with about 15 of my students.  We are going to do crafts with the children that are there for an hour.  I bought, with our club funds raised from bake sales, etc., THREE HUNDRED yards of fleece.  I have been tying knots for the last month.  We are making 200 total.  We are giving the other 100 to a domestic shelter located near our school and to Project Linus which gives homemade blankets to children in the hospital.

The dichotomy of the two events I'm attending after work seem almost surreal.  Most of the students that are going tomorrow night are from wealthy families.  I hope they gain from this experience and don't just log it into their community service hour tallies without thought.  I wish I could bring my kids, but they discourage bringing young children to these activity nights. 

I have a constant fear that my kids will become unappreciative and materialistic.  I make it something I work on with them all the time.  

Parenting - if it's not one thing - it's another.

Job Satisfaction

I was in the classroom quite a bit last week co-teaching a unit on Body Image and Disordered Eating with the Health teacher.  I'm absolutely fascinated with the topic (is that weird?) and have been for quite awhile.  I did my thesis in grad school on body image and body dysmorphia (abnormal dissatisfaction with a real or imagined physical defect) back in 1991 after struggling with these issues for about nine years at that time.  Now, seventeen years later, I still read everything I can about these topics.  I think I'm always looking for validation that my obsession with food and exercise is not abnormal.  That I'm not "disordered".  I am also intrigued by shows/books/articles that deal with nutrition, exercise and dieting.  My weight has fluctuated immensely over the last 26 years.  I've gone from as high as a size 16 down to a size 4 and everything in between.  I settled around a comfortable size 8/10 for many years, but still wistfully wished for a smaller body.

When I showed up for the first day of work this fall, and was introduced to the staff at my new school, I was amazed at how healthy and thin most of the teachers were.  This hadn't been my experience in previous schools.  It immediately made me a bit self-conscious and set me into a bit of a tailspin.  When we were teaching the kids about this concept, we referred to it as "measuring up to a yardstick" and asked the kids what they used as their yardstick.  The yardstick in Wisconsin was a lot easier to compare myself to.  Since I had been working out in the mornings for the last two and a half years, I was pretty uncomfortable having to give that up.  I leave at 6:25 AM each weekday and I have a rule - I will not rise to an alarm clock that is set before 5:00 AM (unless I'm catching a plane to somewhere wonderful).  I have never enjoyed, nor been consistent, when working out after work.  I knew, though, that afternoon exercise would be my only option if I wanted to continue eating.  About mid-August, I started Weight Watchers AGAIN.  I thin this was my third or fourth serious attempt.  After the first time, I have yet to go back to the meetings.  I have the "tools" to calculate my points and I know the drill.  Write everything down, eat a lot of fiber, save your flex points for weekends so you can drink once in a while, and get used to eating lots of vegetables.

It worked.  By Christmas I had lost 22 pounds.  I've kept it off for two months (a definite feat for me) and plan to keep it off for much longer.  I feel much better about myself at this weight, so I think it's in my best interest mentally, as well as, physically.

So back to my teaching.  We tried to include the boys in the discussion so that they wouldn't tune out.  We talked about the increase in men seeking plastic surgery, the number of males with eating disorder and other uniqueness of this topic with regard to men.  Then we delved into body image and disordered eating.  After that we specific eating disorders and I scared the hell out of them (I hope) with harsh information about the physical repercussions from eating disorders.  They listened closely.  Some seemed concerned, some just couldn't comprehend how someone could feel the way eating-disordered people feel and some thought the topic was dumb and tuned me out.  This is typical to most lessons I teach.  You get a thick skin in this business and just do your best to enlighten the kids who are willing to learn.

I wonder when I'll grab some of that enlightenment on this subject?  

More from paradise

I still don't know how to post pictures.  I didn't have time to call my consultant as I was too busy finding a hotel room in Charlotte, NC and a rental car in Fort Lauderdale.  Why?  Why would I be wasting vacation time on this when I have the breeze blowing the palm trees around me?  Because my husband was stuck in Cincinnati in an ice storm.  He missed his connection to Fort Myers by approximately 6 minutes.  They told him he couldn't get out of Charlotte until tonight so he found a flight to Fort Lauderdale.  After all the work he's been doing since we've arrived, I think he'll have about 30 hours of fun before he has to get back on another plane to go home.  If he says, "I never should have come, " one more time, I think I'll strangle him.  

I plan to make these 30 hours as fun as they can be.  We're going to the beach (he never did get there the other day), we're drinking lots of alcohol and we're taking a catamaran ride with Jonna and her husband (I hope - if I can get them away from their packing!)  Met up with Jonna yesterday for lunch.  She was subjected to my kids whining about being bored and my dad crooning about John McCain.  It was quite fascinating for her, I'm sure.  With all these other "people" around, I really didn't get to talk to her.  

The gang, sans Jonna, headed to the beach and I had to listen to my dad go on and on about how wonderful she is.  "She is so nice.  So level headed and confident.  You can tell she has a good head on her shoulders.  Where is she from again?  How do you say her name again?  Did I tell you she's so NICE."

Forget it Dad, she's already married.

They're closing the joint around me

Here I am again, sitting in the lobby of the clubhouse, and I'm the last one here.  Once they clean up the dinner dishes, I'm sure they'll kick me out. 

Just tried to upload Picasa and realized that it isn't possible.  Jon, my loyal and dear friend, was SOOOOO excited to help me set up my Mac before we left on our trip.  He can do this stuff in his sleep.  Unfortunately, I can't.  I know he showed me how to publish photos, but I can't figure it out and it doesn't help that I'm in a hurry.

Chris worked again all day, but joined us for lunch with my aunt and her husband.  My mom's sister looks a lot like her and even was carrying one of her old purses.  She doesn't remember that and I didn't say anything.  I warned the kids (who couldn't quite remember her) that she looked a lot like Oma (my mom), but they seemed fine with that.  After a long lunch in the clubhouse dining room, surrounded by gaggles of cackling women who had just played 18, Harry was about to explode.  "C'mon.  LET'S GO, " he kept saying.  My dad suggested miniature golf since the weather was cool and windy after a rain storm this morning.  It was really fun.  The kids do not understand the fine art of putting - and my dad gave up coaching them around hole 13.  Ella was so funny - she was all proud that she got the highest score.  I didn't have the heart to correct her.

Tomorrow we head to the beach.  The kids have raided my dad's garage for all the beach gear.  Harrison even has a ton of army guys and tanks to set up in the sand.  Chris has promised to stop working and join us.  Then he leaves for Cincinnati in the afternoon.  It's only a day, but I know we'll miss him.  

I'll call Jon tomorrow and figure out how to post pictures.  I'm sure he'll love coaching me over the phone!

Today is my mom's birthday, but I'm really ok

I have a searing headache, but I'm not about to complain.  It's a sinus issue - I can tell.  It's because my head has no idea what I've done to it.  It is used to high altitudes with zero humidity and cold temps.  I am currently sitting at sea level, temperature about 79 degrees and humidity is about 90%.  We are in Florida visiting my dad.  The weather is beautiful, but I could do without all the sweating.  The drinks even sweat.  I worked out this morning and actually dripped on the floor.  YUCK.  I felt like all the old people surrounding me were staring and thinking - What the hell is wrong with her??

The kids have been so excited to get here.  We started packing about a week before we left.  They haven't been here for two years, so it is so fun to be back with them.  Last night, after we got in, we were so exhausted we barely could stay awake for dinner - pizza, Aurellio's in Naples, perfect.  Today we went to the pool twice and threw a trip to the grocery store in between.  My dad is definitely a bachelor.  His frig is full of lots of condiments, year-old salad dressing, a head of lettuce and some tonic.  The freezer has two half gallons of ice cream and 6 pork loins.   I didn't think my kids would enjoy a Tanqueray and tonic sundae - so we bought some supplies.  $115 worth.  It's still cheaper than eating out three meals a day while on vacation.

Tomorrow we'll probably head down to the beach, however I don't really want to bring the kids alone.  Chris, unfortunately, has so much work to do this week that he can't socialize with us at all.  He even has to fly to Cincinnati Wednesday night for 24 hours.  I'm looking forward to Friday, when we'll be able to play as a family.  I also think I'll be screaming for back up.  My dad is not a great help with the kids...he is pretty critical and really has no idea how to grandparent.  Hell - he never knew how to parent, so I don't know why I'm at all surprised.

On a different note, I have HUGE news.  My wonderful and thoughtful husband gave me an incredible gift for Valentine's.  I received a MacBook Pro laptop.  He handed it to me and said - "I just wanted you to finally have your own space - and I want you to take more pictures."  It took me a day to get over the shock of how much money was spent, but now I really can't get over how sweet his sentiment was.  He really has noticed that by not having my own computer, my creativity has been stifled.  I have already taken a ton of pictures since we've been here, but I forgot to bring my card reader with me tonight.  Chris and I are up at the clubhouse of my dad's gated community.  It's couples bridge night, but Chris and I managed to sneak through the tables and get a drink from the bartender.  We are sitting in  the lobby where we can surf.  No wi-fi at my dad's condo.  I'll post some pictures tomorrow.  

I hope having this incredible machine will rekindle my desire to post more frequently.

It's so pretty - how could it not??

Forced slow down

The snow is whipping around horizontally out the window of the chalet. The ski instructors have promised not to take the kids up too high. The winds are gusting to 80 mph up at 8,000 ft. I just went and bought the kids gaiters that cover every inch of their faces. The inside of Harrison’s coat is damp, but not the outside. I don’t know why. Ella’s cheeks are bright red and one of them looks like it might have the beginnings of frostbite.

Harrison has buddied up with his instructor. The other three boys in his ski class all know each other through a previous connection. I told him to talk to the girls – they’re usually better conversationalists. Ella came to the lunch table with a friend. They already seem inseparable. This girl is also in Kindergarten and knows two of Ella’s friends. The other twelve classmates (a doubled-up class) are boys.

Chris and I have holed up in a corner. We have a newspaper, a couple of books and a spiral notebook. We have spent the morning planning our future home improvements even though we should just concentrate on the things undone. The bathroom addition is still incomplete, as is the new office/bedroom, the mammoth deck with outdoor kitchen and fireplace, and the fence. We found out the hard way that adding porches, etc. cost much more than we expected. We wanted to hire everything out, but it became unfeasible. Chris worked on the indoor projects this fall and winter when he had time, but now has use of only one arm. For 12 weeks. We will be on hold until April probably.

This will be our routine for the next seven weekends. I will ski a couple of the Sundays, but I don’t really enjoy skiing alone for long periods. Chris, of course, can’t do any of our favorite winter activities. I guess I’ll have to step it up and become Fun Mommy. Chris has always been Fun Daddy. He takes them sledding and builds forts with them. He plays “Sorry” for hours – and always tries to let Ella win at least a couple of times. I was talking to him about why they clamor to hold his hand when we’re walking in parking lots, or why they beg to sit next to Daddy in restaurant booths – I was asking why he was the “favorite”. He bluntly told me that I should start doing things with them.

As hard as this is to swallow – I am guilty as charged. I will be more than happy to set up the craft materials for them, but rarely stay too long at the table to participate. When we rent “kid” movies, I always retreat to the computer or go clean something. Chris loves to snuggle between the two and giggle at everything. Kid movies aren’t usually my cup of tea – even when I was a kid. I need to start giving them a chance.

I think these day-long “dates” in the chalet, waiting for the kids during their lessons, will be great for our marriage. The last time we had this much time to talk, without distractions, was last summer when we drove to California. I love to plan our future – and that is usually what we discuss when we know we have time. We talk about bills, financial planning for retirement, our families, the house and sometimes we even talk about fun stuff – like vacations.

Anyone want to meet us in Disneyland? We’re thinking the summer of 2009.

Piece of cake

Ella was invited to a rock-climbing-themed birthday party last weekend. She's five. What happened to pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?

She was a bit nervous as this was her first time on a wall that didn't have a slide or monkey bars next to it. As you can see, she did great. Most of the girls went twice and then started to get antsy. They wanted to have the cake and ice cream. Not Elle - she kept jumping to the back of the line as soon as she was unhooked from her rope. I was thrilled that she took to it, as was Chris, but now we're worried she'll actually like it so much, she'll pursue rock climbing as a sport. That kind of stuff happens around here. I know people who have saved people from avalanches. I know a former member of the US luge team. I worked with a woman who's husband is the head of the US Snowboard team. It's the land of extreme sports. Our friend's second grader is already ski racing.

We want the kids to be active and well rounded, but I don't think we will push them into some of the activities that seem so commonplace around here. It's a fine line. For example, we had the kids in a gymnastics program last year that a neighbor was in. I signed up so that we could carpool if needed. It seemed fine until I noticed the level of stress among some of the older gymnasts. I learned that many of the pre-teens were training 20 plus hours a week. The gym was run by a former Olympian. It all came clear when Harry's teacher got into a power struggle with him and refused to assist him on an apparatus. I could see the tears welling in Harrison's eyes as he struggled to complete the exercise. He tried and tried - all he needed was a spot - but the teacher ignored him. We never went back. Now we're at a different program - also recommended by neighbors/friends. It's much more low key. Why then, did I question if it was "good enough" for the kids? It's crazy - they're so little.

Sundays they start another round of ski lessons. Their first all day lessons. I hope it's not a mistake to send them "away" for six hours during one of our precious "family" days, as the kids call them. I'm pretty sure they'll love it. They thoroughly enjoy skiing - I'm just not sure if they'll have the stamina for seven weeks. Live and learn.

P.S. Chris is doing well. He had surgery on a torn rotator cuff in his shoulder. Percoset didn't like him - or vice versa, but now it's been a few days and the pain is starting to get more reasonable. He's a trooper - rarely complains.

Do you think it's terrible that I'm surfing for flights to Palm Springs while Chris is currently having shoulder surgery?

Who moved my cheese?

This is the little daughter of a family who joined us at the last minute for Thanksgiving. Her parents moved to Madison, WI from Utah about 10 months ago. This picture proves that Packer loyalty starts fast and young. Ella is trying to tempt her with a typical baby toy, but she will not give up her cheesehead.

I guess I should have known that life would be a tad different when I married a Green Bay, WI native. You see, they have this thing about football. It consumes them. Even the people who claim not to get "into it" too much, still have a loyalty to the Green Bay Packers that seems to be unlike any other sports franchise fan.

My husband claims to be one of these low-key fans, the type of guy who watches occasionally and doesn't "really" care, yet he is currently not spending this lovely Sunday morning with his children and his wife. No, he's nursing a hangover back in Green Bay. He spent yesterday in a cold stadium, with the snow falling hard, in the middle of January to watch a football game. (I guess they won a big playoff game.) He, and his two brothers who live here, and a neighbor, and a guy and his wife Chris met through work, AND a friend they picked up on their layover in Denver all trekked back to the midwest for this.

I secretly am jealous that I'm not a part of the Packer cult, but would never admit that in front of my in-laws. They think I'm Purple and Gold through and through. The rivalry has been going on for so long, I just don't want to stop the fun.

I'm making due this weekend, though. The kids and I were invited for dinner, at friend's, on Friday night. Yesterday we entertained the wife and daughter of the neighbor who also went on the trip. We tried to show our loyalty to the lovely state of Wisconsin by consuming some beer. It was difficult, but we muddled through. Today we're skiing and dining with friend's again. He'll be home tomorrow night -so I guess I can handle it! In fact, I'm really glad he's having fun. It's amazing how people, and marriages, mature if you wait long enough. If he had left for this trip five years ago, I would have been resentful the whole time that I was "alone" with the kids. Now I'm genuinely glad that he's with family and enjoying himself.

I'm so great.

New Year's Day

Chris and I have been getting along really well for the last month or so. Little, to no, arguing or squabbling. Lots of smiling. It's actually kind of weird. He even took the kids sledding so I could take a nap.

Christmas was amazing. I think it was one of the best I've ever celebrated. The kids were SO excited - their anticipation was extremely contagious.

I hosted a great New Year's Eve party with my close friend - at her house - and it was very successful. Better than expected. We asked everyone to wear "cocktail attire" so I could wear my black dress. Some did - some didn't, but it didn't matter. The liquor flowed, the food was overly abundant and everyone enjoyed themselves.

I have a few more days of my break. I'm not looking forward to going back, but know I'll be fine once I get back into the routine.

Happy 2008!

Keeping up with the Jones

This is the platter of cookies my neighbor brought over the other day. I promptly handed her a bag of chocolate raisen clusters I had been so proud of! It's hard to compete with this. The kids absolutely loved them because they were so personalized.

Maybe next year I'll wow everyone with...well, getting my cards mailed before Christmas Day.

More pictures of the property

Wanship

One of the perks of Chris' new job is that we now have access to 3,000 acres of land in the Uinta Mountains about 40 minutes from our doorstep. It has a stream, lots of varied elevations, one building (a yurt) and plenty of wildlife.

Harry has really become interested in "off-roading" and asked if we could go, not even knowing exactly what it was - or realizing that our 22-year old bare-bones Range Rover might not be able to take the beating. A few weeks ago, and about 15" of snow ago, we took the kids up to the land and drove all over the land on the ranch road. The kids squealed and were thrilled to be bouncing around in the back seat.

As we entered the land, outside the fence, I noticed a baby deer. I couldn't help but notice him - look at those ears! In the midwest, we have white-tailed deer, but out here they are mule deer. I now understand the difference. He just sat and stared at me, waiting for his mother just as she told him, I'm sure.

During our "thrilling" and adventurous drive, we counted about 40 mule deer. It became a contest to see who could find another one. As the sun was setting, it became to difficult to discern them in the brush and we talked of returning when the snow fell. We would love to take our snow shoes up here and find the elk herd and the moose that also live on the land.

That is, after they put a bathroom in the yurt.

Where the hell have you been?

So...I received an email today stating that it's been almost two months since I posted. That's a long time. I can't really explain why, or how, the weeks compounded - they just did.

Our lives have been eventful and uneventful at the same time.

My job has proven to be stressful, challenging and somewhat fulfilling all at the same time. This is my 17th year in school counseling. Let's just say I'm in it for the summers off and the free health insurance. I know I am making a positive impact on the adolescents and families I serve, but I truly am so burned out that I may have a nervous breakdown one of these days if I hear too many more tragic stories.

Chris' job is a godsend. He is happy, motivated, and for the first time - content. His somewhat frequent travelling hasn't been too bad. The kids and I have adapted.

Harrison's second grade year is going so smoothly I just want to scream it from the mountain tops. He has yet to have any behavioral problems. He is academically on top of things - still loves to read, passes his spelling tests with ease and completes all his homework with a minimum of a stink. He has a couple of good pals and seems truly happy. His latest love is watching professional and college sports - mainly football and basketball. It's really cute to hear him yell to us scores of games we could really care less about. I'm just happy that he's able to focus on something that long. This is quite a change.

Ella loves Kindergarten, but has grown into this emotional, moody mess of a teenager. I know she's only five, but I really think she has the temperment of a 13 year old. It snuck up on us and we are rapidly trying to contain the behaviors before they suck us dry. She enjoys school, has a billion friends, but fights us on the learning-to-read thing. She'll do it, but only on her terms. I vaguely remember this exact behavior with two young siblings of hers before her, so I don't know why I'm so shocked.

Her big event of the last two months was a trip to the emergency room. She is a clutzy gal. (DO NOT TELL HER I SAID THAT.) My dad always called me a "clutz" and I am truly emotionally scarred, but she is my daughter so I guess I should have expected it. She runs into something, or falls down, every day. One day about three weeks ago, she fell in the lunch room and hit her forehead on the corner of a table. I received the call at five minutes after noon and at 4:55 pm we finally left the emergency room. Her cut was on her eyebrow and they decided to glue it instead of stitches. I really think they did this because the screaming that occurred when they tried to look at was so loud and distressed, they probably could imagine what would happen if they tried to touch it.

The remodeling around the house is making slow, but sure, progress. Chris has taken over all the work. He is a very thorough craftsman, and only one person, so it will still be awhile. The backyard deck/fireplace project is under snow, so at least I don't have to look at how "undone" it is. The downstairs, however, is taking Chris' attention front and center. We may be drywalling the extra bedroom and bath in the next few weeks. Then it's tile, plumbing fixtures, paint, etc. You know, simple stuff.

And that brings us to today. December 4th. The holidays.

The fireplace has been on overdrive for the last two weeks. The Christmas decorations are slowly coming out and the tree will be up this weekend. But my thoughts continuously drift to my holidays in the past. We will not be going back to Minnesota for the first time since we moved to Utah. I was really upset for quite awhile, but have recently decided that this is the best decision for all of us. We are going to start new traditions, continue old ones and savor our family on our terms.

Now if I could just stop reacting to all the angels I keep running across.

H, I'm sorry

I’ve been missing my mom a lot lately. I know I have said this off and on for the past 22 months, but this past month it seems to be intensifying. When I miss her at particular moments, I’ll wear something of hers to feel closer to her.

When I interviewed for my new school district last year, I wore one of her blazers, her wedding ring on my right hand and her “just for fun” ring on my left hand with my wedding rings. I throw on her pearls when appropriate. I have many of her sweaters, jackets and tops – I wear them in streaks. Sometimes I think they are too “old-ladyish” and wouldn’t dream of wearing them. Other times they seem extremely elegant and I wear several of them. About two weeks ago, I looked down and one of the diamonds from her ring had fallen out while I was at work. I haven’t worn it since and feel lost without it. I know I can get it replaced – it was very tiny – but I still feel like I was careless and lost something very valuable. As if I’m her little kid still if that makes sense.

The beginning of this school year has been the easiest for my kids, but one of the hardest for me professionally. I have been challenged in many different ways and haven’t always handled it the best. I have to make new acquaintances and friends, in a new building, for the millioneth time and really don’t feel like doing it this time. Usually I’m one for change, but this time I’m sick of it. It’s a lot of work to get to know people. I have enough relating to do in my work. I don’t really have the energy left to bond with my colleagues.

I know this sounds a bit cynical and sad, but I think that my mother’s death might have something to do with it. 

In the past, when big things were going on in my life, I always turned to my mother. She would listen for as long as I needed her to. My dad can’t be her. He can’t even begin to replace this part of her. Not only that – he doesn’t really want to try. I understand, but can’t seem to fill this void. My husband isn’t my mom. I don’t want him to be, but I wish I had someone else. No…I wish she was still here.

One of my students lost her dad last June. She was the one who found him. His death was completely unexpected and he was only 50 years old. She struggles with it daily and has come to talk with me several times this fall. Today she was having a bad day. I had a couple of big issues going on- parents in the building - interventions going on – but this girl was having a bad day. She saw me between families and asked if I had time to talk. I had to put her off. She came back and I had to put her off again. In between her visits, I had about 15 minutes free, but decided to eat my lunch at my desk and read the newspaper instead of calling her down to my office. I knew that I probably wouldn’t have time to see her at any other time. It didn’t hit me, until she smiled and told me that it could wait until Monday, that I was avoiding her. I didn’t want to counsel her. I didn’t want to comfort her. I couldn’t alleviate her grief. I can’t bring back her dad. I can’t say anything that will make it better.
It had everything to do with my own grief and that really bothers me.

Now I have a dear friend who is grieving and I fear that I may be doing the same thing to her that I did to that sweet girl this afternoon. I haven’t gone to see her since she told me that she miscarried last weekend. I haven’t brought her a casserole – or better yet a bottle of scotch. I haven’t hugged her. I haven’t called. Until today, I thought it was me just getting caught up in the week…too much homework for Harrison, too many Costco runs or soccer practices, but that’s not the case. I haven’t reached out to her because death really pisses me off right now.

Another post without a photo

I wait patiently for Chris to come home from work so I can read blogs and surf the net. Usually I don't get on till past 9 PM. Then I'm too tired to sit here long. His new laptop is just a grander version of the last, but he's protective and has new rules. One of the hardest is that he won't let me download photos onto it. I could download them and then transfer them to a CD before deletion, but that just seems like a lot of work. I loved using Picasa and then picking daily what I wanted to post or just peruse.

I now have 274 pictures on my card. Tomorrow I have been asked to take pictures at a ground breaking . For a company. That's breaking ground. I'm not getting paid, but I there is another "job" on the horizon in about 4 weeks that I'm also scheduled for. If I do well, maybe this could turn into pay which would mean I could hire an electrician to finish my bathroom. Or I could hire a carpenter to finish my deck. Or I could buy a railing that would complete my front porch. Sure I want shoes and a new winter coat, but I REALLY want a second bathroom.

Tonight I bought a second card because I still don't know the best way to store my photos. I know I probably need to buy an extra hard drive thingy, but I'm just not that savvy about this stuff.

Cross your fingers that I can do this tomorrow. It shouldn't be hard. I just have to ask about 12 guys with shovels to stand close together and smile. We'll be up on a mountain in the middle of nowhere. If I don't get the shot - I'm hoping it won't be the end of the world. I guess I just have to pretend that they're cute kids - instead of construction execs and developers - I'm better at taking photos of kids.

Life

When I woke up yesterday, I was really tired. The kind of tired that made me question what day of the week it was - I ascertained that it must have been Friday, but NO it was Tuesday. Getting up in the dark is getting old. I usually wake up about 5 AM. Not to exercise - just to have time to shower and get to work on time.

I'm feeling better this morning even though I was at work last night until 8:30 PM. That's almost a 14 hour day. Surprisingly I feel better this morning. I am empowered!

For three days this week, I am coordinating a team of self-defense experts to teach all the female students in our school skills that will save their life. I've had to sit in on a couple of the three-hour workshops in case someone becomes uncomfortable due to flashbacks/memories/etc. So far it's gone extremely smoothly. We've educated about 300 girls so far and the buzz around the school is great. The girls have loved it.

Last night we offered a workshop to the community - geared towards our students' moms, mainly. One of the instructors approached me and asked me if I wanted to participate this time. I reluctantly agreed. I knew it would be "good" for me to have experienced something that I was asking others to do. The reason I was hesitant is because the class is very hands-on.

At the end of the workshop, one of the teachers dons a military protective suit and helmet (with a face cage) so that we can all take turns attacking him. Actually, he attacks us and we practice what we learn.

It was one of the best things I've done. I was the last "victim" and he did not take it easy on me. He came at me for only ten seconds, but it seemed much longer. All the other participants cheer and clap to encourage you, but all I could think about was getting him off of me. It was great!

I got home too late to kiss the kids good night. Due to my schedule, I have not seen my kids awake since Monday night. All I want to do is grab both of them and squeeze them tight - then I'll teach them the skills appropriate for their age level and risk. I sometimes think if I teach them - then they'll become fearful, but I doubt it. Life is risky. They need to know, as I now do, that they can protect themselves.

Stating the obvious

I've been without the ability to access anything worthwhile on the internet for days until now. Chris has finally returned from his jet-setting (literally) business trip. It is so good to have him home.

Single parenting is for the birds. I do not know how people do it. Children are a lot of work. Work is a lot of work. Running a household is a lot of work.

Anyway, he's back. I'll be fine eventually. The kids didn't fair much better. Harrison started having "behavioral issues" during after-care this afternoon and Ella just had a crying jag that lasted about 20 minutes. (Did you know that a bloody nose will not stop if you're crying?)

Routine is a funny thing. When you lose it, it upsets some to the core. Three different morning routines this week and my two collapse. Now I know.

Chris - if you're reading this - no more travel.

Our insurance changed with the job changes and I'm glad. Our office visit co-pay went down $5 just in time for us to go in twice in the last week. After our visit to the hospital for Harrison's minor surgery two Fridays ago, he was back in last Tuesday with a broken finger. I truly questioned even going in. He wasn't complaining, but the bruising and swelling looked pretty bad. Needless to say, he was not excited about going back to the doctor after his experience with the surgery.

During his time in pre-op, he was fairly calm. He fooled all of us. However, when it came time to put on the mask with gas, he freaked. His screaming brought both Chris and I to tears. He was so scared. The anesthesiologist apologized afterwards - as if it were her fault. It was that bad. So bringing him back to a doctor, a mere four days later, was almost cruel. He got a little nervous in the x-ray room, but overall came through like a trooper.

That brings us to last Saturday - the big party. I looked pretty good. My hair calmed down. My outfit was semi-flattering, even slimming if I stood the right way and sucked in enough, and I was in a good mood. Until I decided to be domestic. I was hurrying around trying to keep busy because the sitter was here, but Chris was not ready. This particular sitter is extremely shy - oh hell, she's mute. So making glib conversation with her is pointless. She's great with kids, but not with adults. So I decided to take out the trash. As I was taking the bag out of the can, it caught on the edge and the heavy, metal IKEA can came crashing down on my big toe.

It hurt. A lot. I winced and waited for the pain to subside, but it didn't. Until I drank wine. I actually wore heels to the party and was so excited to be in a social setting that I didn't notice the intense swelling and pain down below. When I finally laid down after midnight, I was well aware that my heart had inexplicably moved into my big toe. The throbbing was very distinct and heartbeat-like. The next morning it was pretty clear that something was wrong. I googled "toe injury" and learned that I probably had a subungual hematoma. Treatment: DRILL HOLE IN TOENAIL. Over. My. Dead. Body.

I suffered all Sunday with intense pain. I waited for it to subside, but it just got worse. Parent Teacher Conferences were yesterday and I wore Birkenstocks with dress pants. Yes. Really. With socks to cover the purple mess that is my left big toe. After hobbling around for hours, I finally decided that I had to go to the doctor. I whined, begged and groveled for lenience. That's when he told me that he had just done this procedure on a 5-year-old two days prior. LIKE I CARED.

It didn't hurt. I know that's what the doctor told me, but I wasn't just going to take his word for it. The smell, however, was unexpected. He used a drill - on my toenail - and it burned my nail. Then it bled for about three hours.

I feel better, but still have a lot of pain. It's not broken. (Of course I was in an X-ray room for the second time in seven days) It's just badly bruised.

Things could be worse - it didn't ruin my party!

43 going on 22

Today has felt a bit like a weekend day in college. I went to an Indoor Cycling class (not to be confused with Spinning class, of course) at a local college’s fitness center. The class was small, probably due to its early hour (11:15 AM), and that meant I was forced to interact with the few college students without hangovers. They complained about homework, fretted about upcoming tests and papers, and of course spoke about their upcoming nuptials to returned missionaries.

The music during class was great. It saved me from collapsing due to the intense burning in my lungs and quads. Exercising with college kids is a tad different from my usual classmates at my spinning class – let’s just say that I’m one of the younger members. We listened to “My Sharona” – The Knack and “Beat It” – Michael Jackson right off the bat. I knew this was the class for me. As another song came on, the instructor (a.k.a. naïve’, Mormon, 21-year-old bride-to-be) asked if any of us had heard it before – as if it were new. I burst their bubble and told them that it was really old. It was “Come On Eileen” – Dexys Midnight Runners (I looked it up) circa 1982…THE YEAR I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL. They were dumbfounded. Then one of the other students said, trying to make me feel included, “Music from the eighties is the best!” At first I laughed, but then remembered what I revered musically during college – sixties’ songs: Van Morrison, the Beatles, Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, the Stones, etc.

After class, I was released from taxi duty for the kids and actually took a shower and worried about styling my hair. Why? Because I cut it off and now have to do something with it. Thursday night I paid a ridiculous amount of money for someone to take away my comfort – my long hair. It is shoulder length now – or should I just say “old lady length”. At first it looked great. I’m convinced they put magic potion in the water at salons. They massage and rub all the frizz and tackiness out of your hair so that for one day you look trendy and attractive. I knew that once I washed and dried my hair the magic would be gone. I wasn’t prepared, however, for how ordinary and boring it looks. I wouldn’t care as much if we weren’t going to a party tonight.

Back to the college reference, I’ve spent a large portion of the day worrying about going out tonight. I am fretting over my hair (check), I do not know what I’m going to wear but have four options on the bed ready to try on (check). I bought a new tube of lipstick (check). I tried on multiple trendy shirts at Target only to be completely disgusted and deflated (check). Doesn’t this sound a bit like college? Actually having time to fret and plan about the evening ahead.

The sisters that are giving the party are beautiful and fit. They dress up for their soirees and truly enjoy entertaining. This will not be an ordinary party. There will be large buckets filled with ice for the white wine, fancy hors devours, and tons of attractive, intelligent guests. It’s great, but a little nerve wracking at the same time.

Can you imagine how freaked out I’d be if I were single?

Of course he got a laptop...

...and a new fancy phone with email, a private office, lunches out downtown and a trip out of town. Usually business travel is unexciting - dreadful to some - but no, not for Chris. He's going on a private jet, bringing his golf clubs, attending a meeting or two (between sushi and drinks) and then ending it all with tickets to the Monday Night Football game in two weeks.

I'm not jealous exactly. I'm not sure what I am. Probably just angry that I'll be planning a bake sale (seriously), for the club I advise, so that we can continue to contribute money to needy families in our school. I know, I know. I'm in an extremely noble profession. I help people. I change lives. Blah, blah, blah. Some days I just want a corner office with a view, a coffee maker to use that someone didn't bring in from home, and more than 28 minutes for lunch.

I'm thrilled for my husband. He deserves this extraordinary, new opportunity. He's worked for years to get to this point. Some days, however, I just wish that my profession had more solid validity in our country. I know there is a bumper sticker that says something like this - "What would happen to the military if it were funded with bake sales?" I think that sums up my feelings pretty well.

I know we need to protect our country, resources and other countries, but I just dream of a day when this country could wholeheartedly support its children. How many issues and problems would disappear if our children were properly cared for and educated?

Ok - no more soap box. I'm just mad that I don't have a laptop nor access to blogs during the day!

One for the road

The last few weeks have been a blur. My job has calmed down a bit, but continues to challenge me and push me. These are good things. The kids seem to love their new schedule. School all day and then a fun aftercare program right in the same building. Skating ended tonight and now they each have one activity. Much saner! Harrison plays soccer and Ella finally agreed to a dance class. The house is in disarray - all home improvement has slowed to a halt. We will try to catch up financially and start again in a few months.

Just when I thought we had everything under control, Chris decided to follow his dream and start a new job on Monday. Tomorrow is his last day as Harrison is having minor surgery on Friday so we are both taking the day off. We're cautious and nervous (about the anesthesia), but know that he'll probably be just fine.

Bottom line - I have to give up this computer. It's Chris' work laptop and I guess they want it back. I don't know if he'll get another laptop, and I can't blog or check email at my work (incredibly cruel employers that block all things interesting since I work in a school district), so I don't know when I will post again.

Here we go again - on another new adventure.

Have you seen these? Greatest things ever invented - little Ben & Jerry's cartons...50 cents.

My baby....

...starts Kindergarten tomorrow morning. This is her "first day" outfit of choice, but we've settled on a more subtle pink and brown number.

Don't try this at home

Well the day finally arrived. The rocket car, which was given to Harrison on his birthday back in May, was launched this afternoon.

This day took hours and hours of planning. Harry became bored with the whole thing after about the first 20 minutes of assembly. Then I think it took Chris about two more hours to finish it.last June. Of course it wasn't completed in one sitting. So after it was done, we did what any sane, normal parents would do - we hid it. Chris just couldn't bear to see all of his hard work damaged in one fell swoop!

Harrison knew it was on top of the china hutch in the dining room, but patiently waited for us to come to our senses and let him use it. Since our driveway is short and steep, we knew that it was not going to be launched at home. We also needed fuel. Lots of vinegar and baking soda. This involved a special trip to the store.

So this morning, the rocket car was down. The "fuel" was on the counter. And Chris was ready to sacrifice his lamb. We all climbed in the car and headed to a large, flat parking lot in our neighborhood. We had enough vinegar for three launches and it was really great.

Sometimes these things turn out better than you think they will, but Chris glared at me during preparation and said, "Do not EVER buy a model ANYTHING for this boy." I guess he doesn't get into tiny, tiny plastic parts and lethal stick-forever glues.