Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ever been to your own funeral?

Joshua Tree National Park

I brilliantly left my power cord for my laptop sitting on the floor of the hotel room in Palm Spring...thus my lack of posting.  I have 44 precious minutes left of battery still waiting for the Fed Ex package to arrive from Rosa - a lovely housekeeping manager.  I doubt she knows how much I love her for finding and saving my cord.

The last two days have been a roller coaster.  I have never felt so much anxiety in my life.  I still don't know why I was "non-renewed", but have learned that I am well liked and respected by others on my faculty.  They are rallying around me like and I have to admit it feels nice.  It doesn't take away the nauseousness, shakes  or grapefruit-sized knot in my stomach, but it does help.

I am definitely in the angry mode.  I think that's better than the "woe-is-me" mode.  One thing I do know - being back is HARD.  Rum and cokes with Heather daily was much more fun.  

I have plans in my arsenal thanks to an incredibly supportive husband and group of supportive friends.  I'm really not sure why this happened yet - and may never know - but I'm not ready to embrace it.  It totally sucks, but on the bright side - it's a great weight-loss plan!!!


Sarah said...

Hi Carol, I read about you on Dooce and wanted to send an encouraging word. I was flat out laid off once from work. (Money issues with a startup) and while I didn't realize it at first, it was the BEST thing that could have happened. I went through all the typical "why me" "wasn't I doing a good job" things. When I look back on it now, it was instrumental in helping me move on, find a much better position and really enjoy my new job. You will find one, don't you worry!!!!

Dave said...

Carol, I probably mentioned this before in a comment, but I have to recommend the book (or tape) Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

zeghsy said...

looking fabulous is the best way to start feeling better. you'll do amazing and one day laugh about the small people you're having to deal with right now.

Anonymous said...

Is it possible to simply ask the person who did the "non-renewal" why it happened? I agree with the comments left here by others...if it's not meant to be, there's certain to be something better out there.
I love your blog and appreciate your honesty!

Tanya said...

I haven't read your whole blog, but I assume you are a public school teacher?

I work for the Chicago Public schools where pink slips are handed out like candy each year. Don't take it too personally, and you will find something better for yourself. Best wishes!

Kathy said...

Sucks. :( I'm sorry.

Starshine said...

Even if they did notify you in that cowardly way, it seems like now that you're back, someone owes you a face-to-face explanation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much stress. If it is possible to have a conversation with one of your superiors to get some answers, it might be worth it, if only to say "goodbye" to the knot in your stomach.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

As I mentioned in a comment on your other post about being laid off I was just laid off, as well--2 weeks ago. And I can definitely relate to the roiling naseaus stomach and the grapefruit sized pit. Everyone keeps telling me it is for the best, that I will find something eons better, that I will look back at this one day and laugh. But really all I feel like doing right now is crying.
I feel for ya'!

MsCatCalls said...

Just got into reading your blog , so fascinating , started at the start , through all the stuff about your mother and her death , really felt for you with two young children and it seemed like not a whole lot of support . Loved the fact that you use your blog to chronicle your life . I was a step parent to teenagers before the days of blogging , then just kept a paper diary for my sanity . Now I have a teenage daughter I have to censor much of what I write as she reads it sometimes ! Its a dilemma . Do your kids read yours ? Do they know about it / contribute ? Im curious . I know you often comment that you leave things out to protect Ben's privacy .
Anyway I just wanted to say hi from England and I really hope you find a new job if you want one , or something fulfilling . I know you will too . Thats how it works as people keep telling you but I also know how hard it can be to believe that when it wasnt in your plan . Take care .... Shelagh