I may have gone a bit overboard

I'm still cleaning my bedroom.  Feeling much better today with only one incident of cramping and fatigue after playing too much at the park with the kids.  Oh, and I'm not hungry.  I still have some cravings, but they aren't terrible.

So in Quantum Wellness  is a chapter called, "Your Nest - Creating a Magical Environment".  In particular, this chapter hit home.  Kathy Freston says, "Your physical environment is an extension of your body and mind, and it will reflect what's going on with you - and vice versa."  So basically, if you're home doesn't get a lot of light, and you've been feeling depressed, she feels there is a strong connection.  At first glance this seems a little flighty, but after I read some more of the examples I was convinced.  "You can walk through a door and feel soured by the energy that is all around, or you can walk into a place that seems to sing to your soul."

When I walk in my door I see clutter, piles and usually dirty dishes.  Our house is very small, less than half the size of the one we came from, and we probably have too much furniture.  Also, the interior styling is traditional.  Many of our pieces are handed down from my grandparents.  I used to be obsessed with getting as much as I could from my relatives.  I have gorgeous crystal lamps, a beautiful side board that holds my ALCOHOL and a cool barrel table with a leather top.  

I was raised in an extremely contemporary environment.  My parents furnished with Scandinavian design.  Teak furniture, clean lines.  However, we did move into that house in 1970, so we had chrome ball lights and chandelier, and a bright orange and yellow shag rug on the wall of the sun.  I even knew at a young age that the rug was extra cool.  Because of this, I always questioned my strong interest in antiques.  After thinking about it for awhile, I believe I always loved the sentimentalism of antiques.  The stories and history behind them.  Especially mine because my pieces are from family.  An extended family that I didn't know very well, but loved to hear stories about.

When my mom died, two and a half years ago, my sentimentalism grew.  I added old family photos to the living room and took as many things with me that were hers.  I have all of her jewelry and many pieces of clothing.  Never mind that she was 37 years older than me and 4 inches shorter - I wore her Talbot's blazers with pride, even though my wrists looked way too long.  Over the last six months, I have really started to donate a lot of her clothing.  Chris told me that many of the things were "old ladyish", but I used to just ignore him.  Somehow I finally realized that I didn't need my mom's sweater to remember her.  I think that I may be willing to accept that with regards to the furniture, too.  Chris and I just sat and talked it through.  We can't afford to replace the furniture, so we will do this slowly.  I may start frequenting garage sales and thrift stores for great things that can replace what I choose to part with.  This won't happen over night, but I do intend big changes in the future.

As I was continuing the project of cleaning under my bed, I cleared out all of the underbed boxes and used a dust mop to eject 40 billion dust bunnies.  I kept avoiding a small, white box.  Dusting around it, and finally - late this afternoon - I pulled it out.  It was the last thing under there.  Some of my mother's cremated remains.  Gross, I know.  We spread her ashes last June when I went back to my dad's in Minnesota.  There is a ashes-spreading-garden-remembrance-area at the church I grew up in.  They also put up a plaque inside the church so you have a place to go and remember if you like.  I couldn't spread any ashes.  My dad, brother and husband did, though.  The whole idea, when it was right there in front of me, really bothered me.  My dad decided to save some of the ashes and split them into baggies (YES, he really did this) and gave me a bag.  To save.  Under my bed.  So when I found the box, with the baggie inside, today I thought about the reason I had it there.  I think I have my mother under my bed because my dad gave her to me.  Just like the barrel table and the crystal lamps.  

I called Heather to ask her what I should do with my mother.  She asked me what I thought I wanted to do.  I said, "I want to throw her away."  Heather kind of freaked and told me that I should spread her ashes somewhere beautiful.  I told her about last June and said that I couldn't do it.  So, we talked it through and decided that a part of this cleansing process involved getting rid of things that bring us down.  My mom - under my bed - bugs the shit out of me.  So I told her that I would close the box up tight and put it in the recycling bin (which is drier and cleaner) in case I changed my mind.  She hung up in total agreement that this would help rid me of the memories of my mom's terrible death.

So I picked her up and carried her outside to the driveway where the cans are.  Harrison was playing basketball with a neighbor kid who looked very strangely at me as I put the box in the can.  Inside, I was all - hey buddy, leave me alone.  It's just a box!

About 45 minutes later the phone rang.  It was Heather frantically asking if I had thrown my mother in the garbage.  "Of course I did - you told me to."  "Well, I changed my mind.  Go get her.  I'll go with you and we'll take her to a mountain top and spread her ashes together."  I think what really happened is that her husband found out what we were up to and couldn't believe it.  He made her call me back.

So, my bedroom is cleaner and my mom is still under my bed.  It's a compromise.  Just like the furniture for now.

I really miss gum

About 45 minutes ago (it's 9:08 PM) I started feeling better.  I was extremely fatigued today and had a lot of stomach cramping.  

I Googled "side effects of a cleanse", and everything similar to that, this afternoon because I was starting to think that I couldn't take it much more.  There is a lot of crazy stuff out there.  All kinds of cleanses and all kinds of ideas about them.  I found on the Mayo Clinic site that they don't think they do any good.  I also got a peek into the vegan world and it was interesting to read the positives and negatives.  No one seems to have a subtle opinion about this subject.

When Chris found out that I was sick all day again he questioned my sanity.  He agrees with many of you that I should have eased into this, but then we had a discussion about drug or alcohol addicts.  Cold turkey is always the way they stop.  I have a tiny glimpse into how it must feel to be suffering through a hard drug withdrawal.  I explained again that this wasn't a diet, but a cleanse - a chance for my body to take a break and rejuvenate.  It's also a chance for me to think more thoroughly about my food choices.  After shopping for items that fit into this cleanse, I have learned so much.  There is so much junk in our food.  

For example, Chris ate beans and rice with me tonight, but added a leftover breast of chicken and then had some ice cream for dessert.  He read the side of the carton and told me that it was "Sugar Free", but I reminded him that I couldn't have artificial sweeteners or dairy.  As he started reading the ingredients, he came upon "sorbitol" and this is what it said as a disclaimer "Sensitive individuals may experience a laxative effect from excess consumption of this ingredient."  I think that got him thinking a bit.

I also want to think about cleansing other areas in my life.  I'm too tired to get into it tonight, but there is a great chapter in the book Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston about how to balance your entire life.  Eating has always been an issue for me.  I'm hoping this cleanse will allow me to find some answers in that area.  However, organization and efficiency are also large barriers to success for me.  I'm hoping to utilize many of Kathy's ideas to help my life become more balanced and peaceful.

Today I started cleaning under my bed.  You have no idea how much crap is under there.  It's a start.

I'm definitely cleansed, baby.

Before:  Long hair 

After:  Short hair - MUCH happier, see?

Will this day ever end?  I am still really sick.  Feels like the flu.  Bad stomach stuff this morning till about 11:30 AM (ie. running to the bathroom several times to excrete my toxins) and then I was left with a sore stomach and a general flu-like feeling.  Took more ibuprofen and felt better.  Ate very little today.

Ella was on a play date and poor Harrison had to lay around with me.  I finally thought I had enough energy to get him to the barber for a summer do.  He loved it at first and then, about 10 minutes after, said, "I wish I had my long hair back."  It's adorable, but I felt really sad for him.  

Spoke with Heather and she got the headache and nauseousness today.  In a sick, mean way I was relieved.  It means I'm not alone in this healthy misery.

i am so sick

I'm in bed writing this...feeling like my insides are more than a tad kiddie-wompus. (Is that a word?)  I'm also sore, achy and lethargic.

I found this article and hope it is accurate.  If these symptoms last more than a day - I don't know how I can do this.

Cross your fingers.

Cleanse Day One - play by play

Fond memories of sitting on these chairs drinking alcohol and eating gluten

8:04 AM  

Breakfast:  No coffee, no yogurt, no cereal.  I am seriously addicted to cereal.  I eat it as a snack throughout the day - Life and Kashi's Go Lean are my favorites.  Yogurt is my only dairy besides ice cream.  My morning cup of yogurt is routine.  Almost essential.  And then there is coffee.  Remarkably, coffee is less important to me than the other two, but I still truly miss it.

I forgot to buy lemons for my water and some green tea.  I found another website, but it just kind of makes me feel like I'm part of a weird club.

2:44 PM

Lunch:  Kept busy teaching the kids how to clean a kitchen floor so I didn't eat until late.  Harry cried (it was an amazing dramatic achievement) the entire time he was vacuuming the floor. You should have heard him when I asked him to continue into the back hall!  Made a salad with tomatoes, red peppers and romaine lettuce.  Poured this AMAZING stuff I found at Costco - Fresh Accents by Aromatica Organics - over the top.  It is a "...versatile blend of nuts seeds, dried cranberries, vegetables, garlic and onions."  I also snacked on soy nuts which I am finding a bit addicting.  I also had a corn tortilla with Hot Chipotle hummus.  After this I was definitely looking for sugar.  Ate some grapes and actually feel like the craving has passed.

6:46 PM

Dinner:  Worked out twice today.  This wasn't intentional.  I use a trainer weekly and thought our appointment was at noon, but it wasn't till 1:00 PM.  I couldn't find a sitter and asked if I could do a playdate swap with my friend, Kristin, who has kids the same age.  Since I had coverage for the kids I decided to just stay and do some cardio.  My trainer switched our time to 4:00 PM and I did some strength training with her for an hour then.  Right in the middle of my session, I got a searing headache.  First side effect, I suppose.  I was pretty hungry when I got home.  I made myself another salad, but added black beans on top.  I also had some soy nuts and tried my bread with almond butter.  It didn't taste like cardboard!  After that "meal" I have to admit I was craving sugar and coffee.  I decided a shower would distract me, which it did.

9:17 PM

Headache got really bad about an hour ago.  Took some ibuprofen - it probably has sugar in it - but I needed some relief.  Headache isn't gone, but much better.  I'm exhausted and heading to bed early.

Overall - not too bad.  I definitely need to try a larger variety of foods tomorrow.

So?  Who's joining me????

On a positive note, it will be better than fasting and I won't have to count any points.

A little over a week ago, Heather mentioned that she had been reading the book Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston. I believe she heard about it on Oprah.  It's a comprehensive approach to bringing about balance and positiveness to your life.  One of the things that the author suggests is doing a 21 day cleanse.  My first reaction was obvious.  What?  Give up caffeine, sugar and alcohol?  What's left? However, after further discussion - and reading the book myself - I am ready to take on the challenge.

I explained to the kids what I was going to be doing and asked them if they wanted to join me.  They ran screaming "Noooooooo!!!" from the room.  I coerced Ella back and asked her if she would at least accompany me to Costco so I could purchase enormous amounts of fruits, nuts and vegetables.  She agreed only because she likes it when the processed chicken nuggets are out for sampling.

Afterwards we headed to Whole Foods to buy gluten-free, sugar-free products that might somehow accommodate my need for snacking on crunchy, bread/cracker/cereal-like products.  There aren't any.  Every time I found something that looked good, and was gluten-free, it had sugar in it.  I stumped two workers in my quest for these items.  Both gentlemen asked me why I would take on such a diet.  They assumed I was sick.  I found that pretty interesting as I didn't think that what I will be attempting to do is that terribly crazy.  

The guy from the bakery department was determined to help me find something.  Anything.  We finally found some bread.  I asked him what it tasted like, and without skipping a beat, he replied, "Cardboard."  I told him I had agave nectar, so I could slap some of that on it and I'd be good to go.  ( I am not supposed to have molasses, honey or artificial sweeteners, but I can have agave nectar and stevia.)  He actually knew what I was talking about and told me that it would definitely help.  As he handed me the bag, I noticed that there was a packet of some sort inside the bag.  Kind of like the small, square pouchy-things that you might find in a box of new shoes.   I asked him about it and he paused, looked around then kind of whispered to me.  "Actually, this bread has a shelf like of a year.  It's double-wrapped and has some nitric something or other in it.  Just don't let it sit on the counter - mold will grow within three days of opening it."

Sounds healthy.

I did about three laps around the store finding sugar-free marinara sauce, rice flour spaghetti, "veggie" macaroni noodles among other WONDERFUL food items that I'll be indulging in for three weeks.

I unpacked the goodies on the counter to show everyone what I got.  Not a lot of interest from anyone.  I told them all that these were MY things - they had to eat their sugared, glutened, caffeined products - they weren't allowed to go near mine.  The glazed over looks I received calmed me down.  No one will touch my stuff.  I'm pretty sure the Nutter Butters will look more attractive.

I am actually looking forward to this.  It is supposed to help my body heal itself from all the toxins that have built up inside of it.  (My liver, especially, will LOVE this little break.)  

I'm pumped for this now, but know that it's going to be tough.  I bought the most beautiful fruits and vegetables I could find.  I'm hoping that will help this be a bit easier.

Tonight?  I had a final Ben and Jerry's "Chubby Hubby" pint.  The whole damn thing.  I'm sick to my stomach, but happy.  That's good, right?

Paradise lost

Yesterday I dragged the kids out of bed and took them to the beach before they had a chance to even blink.  I wanted to experience the beach at every possible time of day - and after sitting there last night at midnight listening to the surf - I believe I accomplished that!

We're leaving this morning and all of us are so sad.  It was a perfect vacation.  Except for not having Chris with us.  

Next year.

For Daddy

She's much more daring than I am

Being the oldest person on this trip to Destin has been trying at times.  I pride myself on acting and feeling younger than I am, but I'm usually not tested for days on end.  Here - one big test.  Fun, fun, fun - all day and night long.  It's hard to keep up.  Our days start slowly with computer time or the Wii, and then we meander down to the pool just as the sun is highest in the sky.  I'm trying out for "Most Responsible Mom" so of course I lather my Scandanavian, fair skinned, blond children before they step into the pool for hours on end, or play on the whitest, most reflective sand I've ever seen.  Some might say that the kids are a little, um, cooked.  I prefer to say they have some "healthy color".

After pool or beach time, we usually stroll up for a snack and a nap.  This is followed by happy hour and dinner preparation.  After the kids are asleep, we've even gone swimming down at the pool a few times.  This is when I start to peter out.  I can't keep up as about 10:00 PM, when the youngsters are just gearing up, I'm shuffling down the hall to my room to collapse from the long and tedious day.

Today, we decided to change things up a bit and this old chick out did herself.  We threw in a field trip to "Just Chute Me" - a parasailing company.  I figured the name was an omen and made my final decision at the dock.  No way.  No how.  Was ANYONE going to get me to go 800 feet in the sky.  How stupid do my friends think I am?  "It's easy," they commented and "It's peaceful."  Sure, that's how I define "peace" - strapping myself into a nylon strap diaper, attaching myself to a single rope and then getting propelled up into the sky behind a boat that is traveling over shark and sting ray infested waters.  Sure.  "Peace".

Then Ella got involved.  "C'mon, Mama - let's go in the sky," and I melted.  I figured it would be a good mother-daughter bonding activity.  Kind of like scrapbooking.

I'm so lucky

This is where I get to be this week.  Destin, FL

It seemed like a great idea at the time

My mom was awesome. Always available.  Loyal to a fault.  However, she never once did a craft project with us.  She did knit for us, and I vaguely remember a macrame' owl she created sometime in the 70s.

For some reason I have this latent Martha gene.  God knows where it came from.  For example, I made my own wedding invitations.  They were even three dimensional!  Who does that?  (I just had a brief flashback of me screaming at Chris because he wasn't tying the ribbons on the "right" way.)

I don't do a ton of crafts, but we've had to buy two IKEA storage benches to contain all the baskets of drawing paper, crayons, pipe cleaners and felt.  Oh - I almost forgot to mention the foam craze.  We have at least 3 million foam stickers - alphabet letters, Sponge Bob characters, miniature feet and hands - you name it.

Last week I decided that we should make presents for the kids' teachers.  Harry has two - each works five days on, five days off.  Ella has two - one in the morning, one in the afternoon.  Can't forget the lead after-care teacher.  She needs something, too.  And while we're at it, why don't we make their thank you cards.    

Here is a photo of the cards we've made so far.

  As you can see, we haven't eaten at the dining room table for about a week.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  We're not done with all of our projects.  We have one picture frame to paint, and two wooden boxes to finish.  Also, our notes are not all written.  Oh, I just remembered that we need to bring homemade cookies to the Kindergarten graduation extravaganza.   The teacher is creating a recipe book for all of us to take home, so I can't cheat and buy some.

If this rain lets up, and we have to go to baseball practice, I may be painting and baking myself.  With a few gin and tonics.

Defiance

I always believed, since the kids were babies, that something magical would happen when Ella turned six and Harrison became eight.  It would become so easy to travel, go shopping, get things done around the house - all because I believed that their maturity and independence would allow this.

For the most part this is true.  They can now buckle their own seat belts.  (I cannot tell you the difference that has made in my life.  It's so nice just to get into the driver's seat without crawling across two seats.)  They can reach the toaster to pull out their own bagels.  They can cross the street if they PROMISE to look both ways while I'm watching from the front door.  These are all wonderfully helpful accomplishments, and I get goosebumps from the excitement of knowing that they are actually using toilet paper ON THEIR OWN, but it doesn't make up for the independent thinking that comes with this growth in fine motor skills and height.  

Both kids have become a bit cunning.  Harrison is more direct.  If you tell him that he can't play with his new handheld video game, he'll talk you into letting him play one of the "learning" games.  Never fails, though, that I'll let him play "Brain Age 2" and all of a sudden I'll hear the theme to "Star Wars".  When I call him on it - he just says "sorry".  You know how they say it...automatically and yet with a sing-song quality to it that tries to give it some bit of credibility.  It kills me to know that he has figured out that I can't see through the walls when he's in the other room.

Ella is more passive.  She will whine and pester to get something.  She lulls you into thinking that you are the most wonderful, important person in the world and then BAM! - you've allowed her to talk you into two play dates on the same day, a trip to "Michael's" for MORE craft supplies AND ice cream for dessert even though she's WAY too full and can't possibly finish her chicken.

Put the two together, throw in a public setting and my stress meter goes through the roof.  They giggle and whisper and come up with devious ways to terrorize me with the constant uncertainty that they could embarrass me at any moment.   I have tried deep breathing...I must have pushed that so much with Harrison last year that now he senses when I need to do it and coaxes me into it when we're in a store and they've put their fingerprints on EACH AND EVERY glass showcase in the place.  The breathing works for awhile - as does the valium - but the fear is ever present.  They are getting too smart.  

Damn.

Conflicts

It brings me such great pride to see Harrison's joy of singing reflected in his face.  It's so fulfilling to watch him give his full effort especially since he was in the front row.

We don't have many extracurriculars going on, but of course baseball and soccer practice are at the exact same time on the same day of the week.  

Tonight the entire second grade put on a singing program about Africa.  I, of course, had a prior engagement.  One of the Top 10% students at the high school picked me as her "Most Influential Teacher".  It was called the "Evening of Excellence" and I was duly honored.  It was a meaningful event, but I hated to miss Harrison's program so I attended the dress rehearsal this afternoon. 

In a week and a half, the kids and I are heading to the beach in Florida.  We are completely estatic about this, but there is an amazing soccer camp opportunity for Harrison that exact same week.  He would have been coached by professionals from England.

Every week-long summer day camp that I have found for Ella conflicts in some way with our 13 day trip to Minnesota.  

August?  WIDE OPEN.

 

IKEA run

It rained this weekend, so we had a few choices - clean the house or head to IKEA.  Duh!

We went to get some ideas for all the projects we have going on in the house.  I'd love to redo the living room and dining room (pretty much paint only).  Another room that needs LOTS of fine tuning is our family room.  We "need" a flat screen TV and some kind of entertainment/storage unit.  Also, we are adding a new office/guest room that will be MINE.    

We weren't going to buy anything.  Sure.  Who can leave that place without at least a new dish brush?

I really like the clean lines of this set up.

The dining room project.  Paint only - well....I wouldn't mind replacing the $50 table we bought from the want ads.

Here's an unusual desk/storage idea.  You can see that Harrison loves it! 

Another interesting look.

To keep the kids "engaged", we promised them a cone at the end of the excursion.  As you can see, my kids have very similar personalities.

Chris truly enjoyed the entire process.

Birthday reflections

His delivery was extremely traumatic.  His days as an infant were exhausting. And today, as he turns eight, I actually have a hard time remembering those days even though I remember thinking then that I never would.

Second grade has absolutely been my favorite year with Harrison.  He has changed in many ways.  For example, last Fall he suddenly became a football fan.  He would watch any NFL game that might be on and could stay engaged.  I loved watching him pick a team (usually by color of jersey alone) and then cling to that team as if he had been a fan of theirs forever.  What amazed me the most was that the loyalty would extend into emotion.   If "his" team lost, he would get pretty upset, although not always appropriately as often his emotion would be anger towards the other team.  He may have gotten this fanaticism from his grandmother.  My mother used to clean the house on Saturdays with the University of Minnesota football games blaring from every radio in the house.  They all had to be loud so that she could hear them from the bathrooms.  I can remember her screaming if they blew a play, or lost a down.  Sundays, however, she would sit and watch the Vikings play.  Most often, though, she would get so emotional that she would have to get up and leave the room when things got heated or exciting.  

His athleticism on the field has improved this year.  Through last Fall, his soccer ability was fair.  He was easily distracted and often had to be coerced into attending practices or games.  This Spring has brought a new player.  He actually has become somewhat of a leader on the team.  It's as if his limbs and coordination are finally all on the same page.  He also has gained a bit of speed.  We have no idea where this came from, though, as neither his father or I are fast runners.

Academically, he continues to perform well.  He still hates homework, but wants to please his teachers and hand it in done correctly.  This quality is something I love and hate at the same time.  I want him to want to achieve and perform, but I don't want him to be too hard on himself.  I really don't like it when he gets a 94% on a math test and then berates himself when he sees the problems he missed.  I never thought I'd have to worry about self-esteem issues this early with my boy.

I remember at the end of last school year, a neighbor was making some comments about the new principal.  She was having a hard time making an appointment with her as she wanted to get to know Ms. K.  I told her if she wanted to hang out with Ms. K - her daughter would have to misbehave and then she'd have lots of time with her.  Yesterday Harrison mentioned, on the way home from school, that he had not been to the principal's office at all during 2nd grade.  He even quoted the school's mission - "I've been responsible, respectful AND safe."  It was so cute.

He hasn't changed too much physically this past year.  He wants to keep his hair long like his older brother, but that's about it in the growth department.  He's one of the shortest boys in his class and he and Ella's height and weight are identical.  I am often asked if my children are twins.

Tonight, after his baseball game, we let Harry pick a restaurant for dinner.  He chose "Noodles" because it has fast service and is relatively close to home.  He really wanted to get home and finish working on the Star Wars Legos he received as gifts.  He's become obsessed with Star Wars the last few months.  He has watched most of the movies including one today - which he watched twice in a row.  The kids were off from school and I decided to indulge him in that birthday wish.  Now I don't know how to get him to stop humming the Star Wars theme song - or how to get the tune out of my head.  

Happy Birthday sweet boy - what a joy you are to your father and I.

Grasshead

I absolutely believe that Kindergarten is the best thing ever invented!

"How to drive your parents crazy - a guide book for all kids" by Harrison and Ella

1.  Ask for toys/candy/computer time non-stop.

2.  Suck on your straw hard enough so it makes noise - then pull it out of the glass and let the drink drip onto the table.

3.  Say you're "SO full" after a meal and then BEG for dessert.

4.  Run around in Costco, or the grocery store, until someone gets hurt.

5.  Talk and giggle at bedtime in your bed.  (Harry and Ella share a room)

6.  Pick at your sister or brother and then run to a parent and tattle.

7.  Leave the door open just enough so the air conditioning or heat pours out.

I hope they always have this much fun together.

Happy Birthday to me

Gin and Chocolate - how else does one celebrate turning 44?

Overachiever

While I was slowly reading the paper, catching up on some blogs, etc. this beautiful warm Sunday morning (no snow in our yard)  - my husband emailed me this picture.  Attached was a message that told me that he made it to the top of Big Mountain in one hour and 42 minutes...it took him about 60 minutes to get home.   

Aren't all mountains big?