Harry thinks a tiara would be an awesome accessory for me.

I have so much to say about work, but I can't yet.  Chris suggested I start writing the "tell all" post, to be published much later, just so that I can get some of my frustrations off my chest.  What I can say is that things were looking up, but now I've hit a bit of a bump again.  I'm not going to get too worried, though.  What good will that do?  It just causes stomach aches and insomnia.

On a positive note - I am truly enjoying the kids more.  Harrison and Ella had a fun school event tonight.  I usually hate these things, but liked this one.  I mentioned to Harry that his teacher had been smiling at me a lot lately whereas earlier in the year she barely acknowledged me.  Chris mentioned something lewd about me looking "attractive" and that may be why Ms. C was ogling - I was laughing and appalled all at the same time, but mentioned that his theory might be true - I have been dressing up lately.  Harrison piped in and stated that Ms. C always dresses up.  "She likes to dress up because she used to be a queen."

I wish I had had a video of him saying that.  His face was completely serious as if this was a completely normal explanation.  We burst out laughing and between our gasps for air, and wiping of tears, we dragged it out of him that she used to be a rodeo queen when she was younger.

Only out west.

"I run for you..."

Left:  My mom's high school graduation picture, Right:  My parent's wedding day

I'm fairly positive that life relentlessly throws things at you just to keep you hopping.  Right now I'm feeling tired.  I've been in a game of dodgeball for about 7 or 8 weeks now.  Since I can't write about the progress of my work situation yet, I will write about what else is bugging me this week.  I wish I could talk to my mom.

My mom died over two years ago.  Some days I rarely give it a thought.  Other days I think of her often, but in a casual "remember when..." way.  And then there are the days when someone will say something, or I'll hear something, or even see or smell something that will cause me to burst out in tears.  Today I heard that Melissa Etheridge song, "I run for life", and nearly broke down right on my spinning bike during our cool down.  If you know someone who's had cancer, who has cancer, or you yourself has cancer - then you'll understand the emotions that swell inside of me when this song is played.  Two years ago in May, I was completely pumped to run the local "Race for the Cure", but last year I couldn't do it - 2006 was too painful.  I just didn't find any fulfillment in running with a bunch of other people who have been deeply affected by breast cancer.  That song was blaring from speakers throughout the race.  Since then, I can rarely listen to it without tearing up.

This Saturday I am going to try it again.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I want to contribute and I usually enjoy races.  Chris' company is forming a team.  There are going to be thirty of us.  Many from his office, many spouses and friends.  I'm hoping that the light-hearted atmosphere, that a team will probably inspire, will keep me positive and hopeful.

I feel like two awful injustices are colliding this week.  My mom's death and my work issues.  I know the work issue is pretty clear, but I do feel that my mom's death was an injustice also.  She never asked for cancer.  She ate healthy her entire life and never had any vices.  She always saved for a rainy day and never indulged.  She was always thinking of the future - would she have enough money for my college fund?  for my brother's?  enough cash to buy a new car outright?  and of course enough invested for retirement.  I feel cheated and I believe she does too.  She was my best friend and most loyal and staunch supporter.  I think daily of how outraged she would be about all that has gone on to me at my school.  But I guess that's what moms are for.

Unconditional love.

Still a tad bit bitter

Right now I'm hoping that she wants to become an engineer or architect instead of an educator.  

I need longer arms

When life throws you curves, it forces you to reflect.  Truly.  The insomnia is AMAZING for reflection!

What stunning realizations have I come to?  One, actually.  I am so lucky to have these three particular people in my life.

It's confirmed - he's literate

Yes, he's still in love with Baby Seal

Chris:  What's your sister buying from Ronco?  (Ella was in the other room watching TV and there was a loud, annoying commercial on.)

Harry:  She's buying Mighty Putty on ebay.

Me:  How do you know about ebay?

Chris:  Yeah, you're only in 2nd grade...

Harry:  I read a book.

Finally - she's found a REAL hobby!

Strategy

Had a fantastic meeting with a person "in the know" - her advice is to follow district policies for filing a grievance AND to do some serious PR work.  I LIKE her style.  

So, today I will start the ball rolling (by mentioning this advice to one person) and see where it lands.  Board members and the editor of the newspaper should definitely know my name by the end of the day.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!  This is crazy.  I still haven't slept.  I don't know how I can keep this up much longer.

(Maybe I'll just go get drunk with my friend, Heather Armstrong - you know her, she's the really bad parent.)  

one step forward, two steps back

The step forward.  The meeting went better than expected.  The dress definitely helped.  Sounds pretty silly, but I truly think it gave me some extra confidence (far be it for me to believe in my abilities!)  My union reps were impressed with my "performance".  I think they were worried I would turn into a defensive, sniveling wimp - but I didn't!  I said a few things that I needed to say, but didn't get everything off my chest.  It wasn't the time or place.

A step back.  The district isn't backing down even though it did something unethical.  

Another step back.  I found out today that someone has been lying that I trusted. 

This entire process is awful.  As I told the biggest, big whig today in the meeting - I'm devastated by all of this.

Dazed

The last few days have been exhausting.  I hesitate to write too much, due to the nature of what's going on at work, but this is my outlet.  

I know someone is mad at me.  I know many people feel sorry for me.  I have become somewhat of a martyr for everyone who has been wronged at my school.  I know someone feels guilty.

What I don't know is exactly why I was non-renewed.  I have a meeting with all the integral parties tomorrow.  I abhor confrontation.  Should be fun.

I have fears, insomnia and overall anxiety - so I bought a new dress for the meeting.  If it doesn't go well, I'll kick myself for not getting a new pair of shoes.

It was a bit windy yesterday

This branch used to be attached to a very large, very lovely tree in my front yard.

Gourmet livin'

I hesitate, and even sometimes shudder, when Chris offers to go to Costco for us.  I love the idea that I don't have to go, but I know that he WILL go crazy and over buy. 

After re-arranging the frig and freezer to cram all the new items he brought home this afternoon, I tried to find a positive in this latest Costco experience.  I turned it into a learning experience - a math problem.  

We now have enough hotdogs to feed the kids one daily for the next three weeks.

Distant memories

This rock totally reminds me of Ziggy (the cartoon)

Ever been to your own funeral?

Joshua Tree National Park

I brilliantly left my power cord for my laptop sitting on the floor of the hotel room in Palm Spring...thus my lack of posting.  I have 44 precious minutes left of battery still waiting for the Fed Ex package to arrive from Rosa - a lovely housekeeping manager.  I doubt she knows how much I love her for finding and saving my cord.

The last two days have been a roller coaster.  I have never felt so much anxiety in my life.  I still don't know why I was "non-renewed", but have learned that I am well liked and respected by others on my faculty.  They are rallying around me like and I have to admit it feels nice.  It doesn't take away the nauseousness, shakes  or grapefruit-sized knot in my stomach, but it does help.

I am definitely in the angry mode.  I think that's better than the "woe-is-me" mode.  One thing I do know - being back is HARD.  Rum and cokes with Heather daily was much more fun.  

I have plans in my arsenal thanks to an incredibly supportive husband and group of supportive friends.  I'm really not sure why this happened yet - and may never know - but I'm not ready to embrace it.  It totally sucks, but on the bright side - it's a great weight-loss plan!!!

Is Harrison only 7?

Finally!  A warm day!

Harry:  I don't like tuna.

Chris:  You've never tried it.

Harry:  Yes I have.

Chris:  Where?  When?  We've never served it to you.

Harry:  Yes, you gave it to me for lunch.

Me:  No, honey, I'm pretty sure we've never given you tuna.  When was this?

Harry:  In 1970.

Palm Desert didn't know what hit it!

There's a reason the word "wise" is often used when referring to old people.

Well, I need to find my sweater - the high today is only going to be 76 degrees.  Somehow I think I'll manage!

This week has truly been a blessing.  I was given time to calm down, listen to LOTS of advice and really do some internal searching.  The main theme of the advice has been - Take the High Road.  On Saturday afternoon, I couldn't even fathom that approach, but with each day of sunshine, rum and relaxation - I begin to consider it and even embrace it.  

Some people have told me that I just need to get over it.  Others, that I shouldn't go back since the way I was told was so unprofessional.  Most people, though, are telling me that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It may take me a few more days to completely believe that, but I know deep down that I will soon.

Just to clarify...

I know dooce, I really, really like dooce, but I was not dooced.

No one at my school, near my school, or who may have graduated from my school, knows I have a blog.

Many drinks later...

Going on vacation, immediately after learning that I wouldn't have a job next fall, was probably the best thing I could have done. Poor Heather has had to listen to me complain, whine and get angry for the last twenty four hours. She's been great about keeping it all in perspective, though. "F**k'em, you deserve so much better...let's drink!"

We're in Palm Springs visiting an old friend of mine and it's definitely therapeutic. I had a margarita by the pool yesterday afternoon. Drinks in our condo before dinner. Another margarita at the restaurant and then more back at my friend Monika's condo. Yep, who needs therapy?

Yes, I have a headache this morning, but nothing a little ibuprofen can't tackle. Today I feel calmer. I know that this is "for the best", but I just hadn't planned on leaving school counseling this way. I had visions of them begging me to stay when I quit. This is a little different. Now I don't even know if I can show my face next Monday. Think about it - I'm supposed to go back to work - for TWO MONTHS and act as if everything is fine. What do I tell the students? I have to tell some of them as I'm the advisor of a club and we're planning for next year right now.

Monika said yesterday that I have to go back and act completely professionally, or don't go back at all. I'm not to discuss it with anyone - just hold my head up high and continue to do good work. Ummmm, what? Me? Act like the bigger person? Not get petty? I honestly don't know if I can do that. C'mon! If I go back, I want to bash these people, behind their backs, because I'm a chicken shit when it comes to confrontation. I'm basically admitting that I don't think I have it in me to be the consummate professional. I will be officially entering my mid-forties next month, but today I feel like I'm 14. I'm just sayin' - if I had to go back today, I don't think I'd act terribly mature at all times.

So today the cleansing needs to begin. Less alcohol, fewer calories, exercise and laying by the pool are on my preferred agenda. Monika, the Palm Springs party girl, has other ideas, however. She has a lunch date planned for us at 11:00 and drinks and appetizers at 5:00.

I better go workout and try to get some of this out of my system.

On a personal note, Chris - I can't respond to your emails - something about a server connection error - but I am truly sorry that it's snowing in Salt Lake. (tee hee hee!)

Higher highs and lower lows

Her face says it all.  She was full of so many emotions today - she couldn't contain herself.  She laughed, screamed and danced.  We made purses, played "Pin the wand on Tinkerbell", decorated cupcakes and hit a Purse pinata.  

Unfortunately, about 15 minutes before the party started I received a certified letter from my school.  I was "pink slipped" - or I think the correct word is "fired".  As a provisional employee (within three years of employment) the district can let me go without reason.  I was naturally blown away.  This came out of left field.  No phone call - no sit down conversation - a LETTER!  I suspected that I was not my principal's favorite person, but I NEVER believed that she would let that get in the way of our work.  I am a good counselor.  I have not received a negative review - in fact they were supposed to review me twice this year, but never did.  I was never reprimanded or "talked to" about my performance - good or bad.  

As the reality sunk in, I started to freak out.  I actually broke down and started crying and shaking.  Chris didn't know what to do until I yelled, "Go clean the bathroom floor - they'll be here any minute!"  And then he made me a strong rum and coke - I didn't think a valium was appropriate. 

After watching the joy that Ella experienced today, I was able to contain myself a bit and am slowly regaining composure about this situation.  I needed to stay calm for her sake.

After the party, I emailed the attorney on staff with my union.  What do they say in the commercials - wrongful termination?  We'll see what he thinks.  Luckily I have a week to mull this over.  This upcoming week is Spring Break.  At this point, I'm feeling so humiliated I don't think I can face anyone back at school.

California - here I come.

The big day finally arrived - she's six!

I forgot to leave a note on the counter for her.  I just left for work as if it were any other day.  I know what it's like to enjoy a birthday - I still love my birthday, but pretend I don't care now that I'm an adult.  Ella must have gotten her birthday obsessiveness from me.  

I had major working-mom-guilt around 10:00 AM, so I decided to call her school and see if they would let me talk to her.  The front office secretaries are not known for their graciousness, but I pleaded my case and I was patched right in.  

"Happy Birthday honey!"

"Hi, Mama"

"Are you having a great day?"

"Yes.  Guess what?  Lucy asked me to be her partner for centers and Erin asked for me to go to the office with her."

"Because it's your birthday?"

"Yeah.  And a lot of people are saying "Happy Birthday" to me."

I don't think it gets much better than that.