Tuesday, May 06, 2008

"I run for you..."

Left:  My mom's high school graduation picture, Right:  My parent's wedding day

I'm fairly positive that life relentlessly throws things at you just to keep you hopping.  Right now I'm feeling tired.  I've been in a game of dodgeball for about 7 or 8 weeks now.  Since I can't write about the progress of my work situation yet, I will write about what else is bugging me this week.  I wish I could talk to my mom.

My mom died over two years ago.  Some days I rarely give it a thought.  Other days I think of her often, but in a casual "remember when..." way.  And then there are the days when someone will say something, or I'll hear something, or even see or smell something that will cause me to burst out in tears.  Today I heard that Melissa Etheridge song, "I run for life", and nearly broke down right on my spinning bike during our cool down.  If you know someone who's had cancer, who has cancer, or you yourself has cancer - then you'll understand the emotions that swell inside of me when this song is played.  Two years ago in May, I was completely pumped to run the local "Race for the Cure", but last year I couldn't do it - 2006 was too painful.  I just didn't find any fulfillment in running with a bunch of other people who have been deeply affected by breast cancer.  That song was blaring from speakers throughout the race.  Since then, I can rarely listen to it without tearing up.

This Saturday I am going to try it again.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I want to contribute and I usually enjoy races.  Chris' company is forming a team.  There are going to be thirty of us.  Many from his office, many spouses and friends.  I'm hoping that the light-hearted atmosphere, that a team will probably inspire, will keep me positive and hopeful.

I feel like two awful injustices are colliding this week.  My mom's death and my work issues.  I know the work issue is pretty clear, but I do feel that my mom's death was an injustice also.  She never asked for cancer.  She ate healthy her entire life and never had any vices.  She always saved for a rainy day and never indulged.  She was always thinking of the future - would she have enough money for my college fund?  for my brother's?  enough cash to buy a new car outright?  and of course enough invested for retirement.  I feel cheated and I believe she does too.  She was my best friend and most loyal and staunch supporter.  I think daily of how outraged she would be about all that has gone on to me at my school.  But I guess that's what moms are for.

Unconditional love.


Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you...yesterday (May 6) it had been 6 months since my mom died and 3 months since my dad died...and it was an AWFUL day for me. The dynamics of your life totally change.

So trite sounding, but you keep your mom alive with your memories and knowing what she would say and do.

We ARE lucky to have lived and loved our moms...and our hurt is a testament to our love and their love.

You'll get through all of this...and you'll get through the race.


blackbird said...

You SHOULD run this time.
And with every step you should feel your mother's support.
It will be a good run.

Anonymous said...

Why are you fighting for your job again? It sounds to me like you didn't want it to begin with. In school counseling, there are rules and the most important is anonymity. Do not repeat stories. Respect confidentiality. You failed and you did it in the most horrible means possible--verbage for your blog?! Talking about kids coming to you in times of grief and trusting you and you retelling the tale for a virtual audience. Not professional! And dealing with obstacles through references of drinking lots of alcohol! This is a public website--is that the kind of message you want to send to the children you are trying to help deal with problems? I'm sure parents and school admins would be thrilled to know the school counselor can't keep her mouth shut or respect others.
I came across your site during the mark of your job loss troubles. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Leave the job. Let it go. You had a lot of qualms about it, you expressed negative views of colleagues and lamented on loss time with your children. Reap the rewards by getting that time back with your family. Make good as a mother and help your son learn to overcome his behavioral issues, participate in their lives, DO with them, cherish these years. The time you gained may have been forced--but embrace it as a blessing. Honor your mother by being the best mother you can be! Be there to tuck them in every night, listen, spend that oh so precious quality time with them--you don't get a second chance.
I personally think it is not kind to write about your step-son Ben on here. Sure, you may worry and want the best, but he is at the age where he surfs the net and reads these kinds of blogs. Speaking negatively about him, his actions or choices-- where he can come across it--will only heighten his low self esteem and possibly humiliate him. It might reinforce the behavior you so desperately want to change.
Talking about his issues and behavioral problems here? with photos? GET REAL! Not the kind of wake up call an adolescent needs. His peers may turn it around on him. He does not need that kind of attention. RESPECT HIM and his privacy--don't bring up his faults and flaws and whatever bad choice he has made recently. Psychologically, it will reinforce the negativity and give him more of a complex. I grew up in SLC but today I am all the way in So-Cal and I feel embarrassed for him. True it's your blog, but this is my point of view, and you allowed me and the rest of the world in. Deal with the repercussions and reconsider what you want to share with strangers.


Anonymous said...

Amen Danette

Anonymous said...

"Deal with the repercussions and reconsider what you want to share with strangers."

...because sometimes they will have a bad day (or life) and react to what you write not with compassion or any kind of understanding, but gleefully welcome the opportunity to verbally flay the skin off your back at the least sign of weakness.

To the blog owner, I surfed over from Dooce and just started reading but my unsolicited and hopefully unpatronizing advice is this: Whatever happens learn from this experience then shake the dust off your feet and move on with your head up. You're human. I'm sure you did the best you could with what you had. The second is that most people will have compassion for these life lessons because we all experience them. It's just those who don't seem louder.

hang in there,

jzvclst said...

Here's to Saturday!!

By the way, don't you love being negatively judged by people who have NO IDEA who you are? Another question, if they're not into what you're discussing, why on earth do they take the time to read and respond so critically?

Since I do know you, I can say with complete confidence that you are a FANTASTIC woman, an AMAZING mother, and a GREAT friend.

Once again, here's to Saturday! CHEERS!!!

sue-donym said...

After reading the other comments, I had to de-lurk to say how much I enjoy your blog and that I hurt for you during this difficult time.

And to those with your "brilliant" comments... Go read something else!

Gretchen said...

I could agree more with the person who knows you. I don't know you but I am really offended by the poster who wrote a damn book. Really-anonymous poster - how dare you say someone you don't even know failed. Seriously!

Hang in there Carol! I love you stories.

Anonymous said...

dear rude anonymous commenter,

i read this blog on a regular basis and have done so for a long, long time. yes, carol has expressed her discontent with her job; more from the point of view of "finding herself" than generally hating where she works. her mothering-skills are amazing and it is obvious that she loves her children (and yes, i include Ben as one of her children) more than life itself.

you may have noted that in a very recent post she said there are things she can't discuss with what is going on with the "job". maybe it is not so much fighting to keep her job, but fighting to keep the same WRONG thing from happening to someone else.

Perhaps you don't like what she share on here, you don't have to. But you need to get a grip and understand that this is a GLIMPSE into her life. It is not her entire life and it is not for you to dissect.

Sorry Carol, but that blather upset me.

Love you...Melissa

Liss said...

Take no notice of nasty anonymous comments. Sure everyone has a right to their opinion but if you don’t like or disagree with something then either move onto the next blog or write a comment tactfully. For someone to write so strongly seems to me, like they have issues. I don’t know you and have only just come across your blog and it doesn’t look like you are a bad mum to me. You kids look happy in the photos you post. Finally a mother knows best – you live with your kids you deal with them everyday, you know what is best not some anonymous bloger nor anyone else. I say hang in on the bad day, the anniversary of a parent’s death is tough. My dad died close to 7 years ago of a stroke he was only 56. I relate to your comments and I still cry 7 years on but sometime I laugh too.
Nice blog by the way.

bella rum said...

I'm at a loss for words - a rare occurrence for me.

I felt drained by the end of this post. My dear sister lost her battle with cancer last September. It wasn't breast cancer, but the battle and the suffering are the same, and the feelings of loss for those left behind are universal.

I know your mother's belief in you will sustain you. How lovingly you have written about her. She would be so proud. Thank you for being brave enough to share such a personal experience. That's one of the few things we can do to help others.

I hope your problems with work resolve themselves. Don't give too much weight to the opinions of others. Balance is the key.