Left: My mom's high school graduation picture, Right: My parent's wedding day
I'm fairly positive that life relentlessly throws things at you just to keep you hopping. Right now I'm feeling tired. I've been in a game of dodgeball for about 7 or 8 weeks now. Since I can't write about the progress of my work situation yet, I will write about what else is bugging me this week. I wish I could talk to my mom.
My mom died over two years ago. Some days I rarely give it a thought. Other days I think of her often, but in a casual "remember when..." way. And then there are the days when someone will say something, or I'll hear something, or even see or smell something that will cause me to burst out in tears. Today I heard that Melissa Etheridge song, "I run for life", and nearly broke down right on my spinning bike during our cool down. If you know someone who's had cancer, who has cancer, or you yourself has cancer - then you'll understand the emotions that swell inside of me when this song is played. Two years ago in May, I was completely pumped to run the local "Race for the Cure", but last year I couldn't do it - 2006 was too painful. I just didn't find any fulfillment in running with a bunch of other people who have been deeply affected by breast cancer. That song was blaring from speakers throughout the race. Since then, I can rarely listen to it without tearing up.
This Saturday I am going to try it again. I'm not exactly sure why, but I want to contribute and I usually enjoy races. Chris' company is forming a team. There are going to be thirty of us. Many from his office, many spouses and friends. I'm hoping that the light-hearted atmosphere, that a team will probably inspire, will keep me positive and hopeful.
I feel like two awful injustices are colliding this week. My mom's death and my work issues. I know the work issue is pretty clear, but I do feel that my mom's death was an injustice also. She never asked for cancer. She ate healthy her entire life and never had any vices. She always saved for a rainy day and never indulged. She was always thinking of the future - would she have enough money for my college fund? for my brother's? enough cash to buy a new car outright? and of course enough invested for retirement. I feel cheated and I believe she does too. She was my best friend and most loyal and staunch supporter. I think daily of how outraged she would be about all that has gone on to me at my school. But I guess that's what moms are for.