Downtown Minneapolis

How did I get so lucky?

Legoland

Harrison really doesn't like rides, but he loved the Merry Go Round

Kelli and her gorgeous family

Three generations

Making cards for their big brother

Elly Belly

Science Museum

"Carol - what is with you and that camera?"

Mississippi River in downtown St. Paul

Found this at the Science Museum and couldn't resist photographing it. Heather - this one's for you.

Bumpa and my science girl

Brothers and a sister

One of Meg's beautiful gardens

Dinosaur bones and more

Tuesday was another long day completely packed full with activity. The kids had breakfast out with Grandma and Bumpa (Chris’ parents) then were taken back out to the Mall of America for one more visit to Legoland. Home by noon, they were put back in the car and we trekked over to St. Paul to visit the Science Museum of Minnesota. It’s an incredibly beautiful new building with lots of wonderfully interactive exhibits and an over active air conditioner (for proof you just have to see the now permanent goosepimples on my arm.)

It is always harder to entertain the kids when they are all together due to their ages (3, 5 and almost 12 next week). The museum was the ticket. Well, almost. Ella is becoming our behavior problem. If I hear, “I KNOW that!” (you really have to hear it to appreciate the snottiness in the tone) one more time, I think I may have to strangle her! She uses it every time you tell her something, ask her to do something, compliment her, criticize her or just while you’re sitting with her. Harrison’s new favorite expression on this trip is, “HELL-O-OOO” (very sing-song-y and he uses it before a sentence.) For example the other night in the car he said, “Hell-o-oooo, I’m not buckled in. You NEED to stop the car!” He also uses it when talking with Ella – “Hell-o-ooo – you need to ask before you take that cookie off the counter, Ellie!” It’s so funny. His voice seems to be changing a bit, too. Could my little children be changing into pre-adolescents before my eyes?

Today, I will help my mom sort through more boxes, cupboards and demitasse cups. Chris and his parents will head over to Chris’ Aunt Mame’s lake house on Lake Chisago. It’s about an hour away. It will be so nice for the kids to be in a setting where they can just run and play. They have been troopers through all of our shopping, restaurants and museum travels.

My mom had an extreme dizzy spell/headache episode last Wednesday. Her oncologist ordered an immediate MRI for Friday night. We still haven’t heard the results. Please keep her in your prayers and thoughts. We are hopeful that her brain tumor, which was dramatically reduced this past December, has not grown again.

Good friends

Eleven years ago next month, I moved back to the Minneapolis area from Wausau, Wisconsin. I was 30 years old, newly divorced and looking to start a new chapter in my life. I was extremely fortunate to land a great position at a junior high in a large school district. The students were at-risk, needy and hard to deal with at times, however these types of schools tend to attract a staff that is willing to go the extra mile – the teachers are more tolerant and empathetic. There was a large group of us, between the ages of 30 and 40, who socialized together. Many of us were single which seemed to allow us to work harder and play harder.

Of course there were some of us who dated each other. Two of my favorite co-workers paired up and married during this time and are still people I care about deeply today. Meg is a math teacher and Paul is an administrator. I can still remember Meg and me walking up to our end-of-the-year school social, from our parked car, and she pointed to Paul’s truck. She said something about having a crush on him. It was so innocent and sincere. I remember being really surprised by her revelation, but thrilled because these two people deserved happiness more than most. They were both divorced, but not because they didn’t try hard to have successful marriages. Neither was looking for another relationship – it just seemed to make perfect sense. I still claim FULL matchmaker responsibility for pulling them together.

Halloween of my fourth year at this school, I met Chris at a party over in Green Bay, Wisconsin. We dated long distance until the following summer when it became obvious that one of us should move. I moved so that we could be closer to his family. It was a bittersweet move. I knew the closeness I felt to many I worked with, and for, was rare.

Meg and Paul, along with Meg’s two children and their four-year-old daughter, still live and work in the same school district. I try to visit them each time I come back home. Last week we spent a wonderful long afternoon with Meg (Paul was on his annual Canadian fishing trip). My kids loved their Emma – okay, they buttered her up to get to her Jeep – but I know they loved her for her vivacious personality even more! Being with Meg is always like walking down memory lane. It’s a chance to catch up on people I haven’t talked about in ages and to reminisce about old times. She is one of those people in your life that you can just BE with and that’s more than enough. We never go to restaurants, shopping or events when we get together. It’s not necessary. Our conversations are always more than enough to keep us engaged.

I think one of the greatest things I love about connecting and re-connecting with Meg and Paul is their solidity. They keep me grounded to “Carol” – not Mommy, Chris’ wife, or any other title I’ve attained over the last seven years – they still act as if they think of me as single, a tad irresponsible and slightly ditzy – and I’m COMPLETELY comfortable with that!

The cousins.

Ella finds it completely impossible to eat frozen things quickly - especially when it's 94 degrees out with a heat index of 104.

These bars were my absolute favorite thing to play on about 31 years ago. The other stuff wasn't there.

The house I grew up in. Don't ask about the owl.

My alma mater

Lived here for three years. The Alpha Gamma Delta sorority at Iowa State University. Had a chance to visit on our trip through hell - oh, excuse me, our trip through Iowa.

we made it...barely

Do you see the look in Ella's eyes? The look of sheer exhaustion? See Harrison? Does he look delirious? Well, he was! Me...I look fine because I'm out of the car and in my home state at a lake. Nothing is better.

We got to my parent's at about 7:00 pm last night and stayed for about an hour and a half before shoving the kids back in the car to check out the sunset at Lake Calhoun. It was a wonderfully warm and sticky night - perfect for putting our feet in the lake.

The trip got worse before it got better. I'll keep it short and sweet - just think expensive bike becoming good buddies with motel front door overhang roof thingy. While I'm driving. And I don't own expensive bike - it's Chris'. Oh - best part was that I did this around 10 pm after driving since 9:30 am and there were no rooms in Omaha to be found. Had to keep driving to Des Moines. Iowa. It's in another state!

We're here. I've found my spot at the coffee shop and life will go on. My mom seems so much healthier and energetic. The kids aren't driving anyone particularly crazy, so I'm smiling. Things are okay...now I just need to get to IKEA.

Scenes from the road

Could you imagine living out here?

B.F. Wyoming

Princess Traveler

Windiest day in Nebraska history

I DON'T have to pee!!! STOP asking me that!

.

Are we there yet?

Right before we almost lost our sanity!

Did you know...

....that the Econolodge in Laramie, Wyoming may have shitty pink carpet, really thin cheap linens, and is overpriced, BUT it has free wireless??

....that if you leave Salt Lake City at 3:00 PM, instead of 8:00 AM you will not get to Nebraska by dusk?

....that if you wake up groggily from a nap while your family runs into the rest area restrooms in the middle of Wyoming, you shouldn't lock the doors while the keys are still in the ignition? (Why? because they will have to wait an hour and a half with the prairie dogs and LARGE spiders in the sun for a locksmith)

....that McDonalds no longer believes in FAST food when it's past 9:00 and they KNOW you are over tired, over irritated and have only entered their restaurant because it's the only thing open in the middle of bum fuck Wyoming that time of day!?

....that three year old little girls really don't enjoy the COOL two-screen DVD player you borrowed for her watching pleasure from Beth? No, three year old girls would rather be home playing with their baby stuff. (I know - I had no idea either until she told me over and over.)

....that two preschoolers can ask, "Are we in Minnesota?" more times in a 60 minute time period than one 41 year old woman can answer?

....that driving across the country is not the most fun thing I have ever done?

Road Trip

Tonight was the last night of swimming lessons. The kids' first lessons. They went better than I expected. The setting of the pool was wonderful. The weather cooperated and so did my children! They had a great time with a really patient teacher.

Spent most of the day preparing for a road trip. Heading to Minnesota to help my mom again. Bringing the whole gang with me this time. Traveling by air takes about 2 1/2 hours. Traveling by car will take about 2 1/2 days. DAYS. Have to go help finish preparing my parent's house for sale. Talked to my mom today and she is feeling much better than she has in a long time. She's had her lungs drained twice this year. She's in her fourth year of chemo. She's still looking ahead and says she's feeling pretty good. I'm pretty awestruck as to how she keeps going. I've had a couple of bad "single" parenting days and I'm practically despondent. I'm hoping the kids will get to know her better this trip. We're staying for about two weeks. I want them to know her like I know her.

Hope to get to my favorite coffee shop to post updates.

I wonder what my hourly wage is?

Days like today make me wonder how childcare workers do it day in and day out. My neighbor and I were chatting about the sheer relentlessness of childrearing. We were commiserating about how hard it is when she blurted out, "Why do you think I majored in gerontology?"

My kids weren't unusually undisciplined today, but they just sucked the energy out of me. My lowest point was about 2:30 pm. I distinctly remember thinking, "How in the hell am I going to stay awake through one more meal, swimming lessons, bath time and bedtime?" So I did what any other self-respecting stay at home mom does - I made coffee.

About 3:00 pm, feeling a bit better on my caffeine buzz, I made a critical error. I decided that I had to go to Shopko. The kids had been playing nicely together, but I disrupted that apple cart and put them in the car. Critical error number two occurred when I decided to try on some jeans. In a dressing room at a discount store. With two preschoolers. Oh - I also decided to answer my phone when my pants were off. So there I was talking to my friend about something important going on in her life while my children decided I needed a spanking. They started giggling and screaming as they swatted and swatted my butt. I managed to get the jeans only up to my thighs - even though they were supposed to be in my size - and that negative body image moment just capped off the entire event. Can you even imagine what everyone around us must have been thinking??? I hung up and tried to continue shopping, but it was fruitless. Ella almost broke a baby swing she INSISTED on sitting in, Harrison tried to shoplift a stuffed giraffe, and we managed to try every toilet seat in the Shopko restroom.

The kids made it home alive (I was pretty mad) and I promptly put them in front of the TV. I'm not proud, but I had gone into survival mode. The above picture shows how Ella collapsed about ten minutes later. "No Mommy! I don't WANT to take a nap!" Sure you don't. It was at this point that I didn't think I could make it through six more hours of active parenting.

The quiet time did help, though, and I actually enjoyed swimming lessons tonight. I took some great pictures but forgot to load my memory card, so I won't be able to post them. I'm heading to bed now so thankful that each day has a night time. I'll go check on them one more time. They'll look very cute and harmless which will be enough to propel me through tomorrow.

Red Butte

There is a peaceful and beautiful garden here in Salt Lake run by the University of Utah. It is near my house and we got a membership this year so that we could enjoy it any time we wished.

I had no idea how much I would appreciate this place. It is a sanctuary for me. The kids love it, too, which really helps. It has trails, fancy gardens, wild gardens, duck ponds, an ampitheater for concerts and quiet. Lots and lots of quiet.

Feeling like the rough spot I've hit over the last month or two is becoming familiar and stagnant. Found these pictures from the garden and they made me smile for a moment. I'm so thankful I found this place.

Must be something in the water

Kids are inquisitive by nature. I got pretty lucky, though. Harrison never went through that “Why?” stage – the one where when he’s two to three he asks the question “Why?” over and over. I worried, for about a second, if maybe he wasn’t curious - maybe not even intelligent because he missed this important developmental stage, but I shouldn’t have. He’s a really smart boy who just happens to do his own research when he needs a question answered. Only when he really can’t figure something out will he turn to one of us for an answer.

Ella has been kind of an in-between girl. She definitely likes to ask questions – even the “Why?” questions, but is such a social being that this trait overrides her curiosity. For example, she’ll have a thought or question for me. She’ll start to comment or ask and then BAM! – someone will walk by. Or we’ll come upon a grocery cart full of kids. That’s it. She’ll stop cold in her tracks and stare endlessly to see what is going on. She is fascinated with people.

Just when I thought I was lucky and had my guard down, the kids double-whammied me.

Three days ago:

Harrison: “Mommy? How do babies come out of mommies’ bellies?”

Me: (cough, spit, gag) “Ummm. Well, there are a couple of answers to that.”

Harrison: looks at me more intently

Me: “Most babies come out of a mommy’s vagina.” (There, that wasn’t so hard)

Harrison: still staring

Me: “Or some babies, like you and Ella, come out of a hole cut into a mommy’s belly.”

Harrison: “Hee Hee Hee….Bah Hah…BAH HAH HAH – hole in Mommy! Ha Ha Ha” The laughing and giggling went on for about two minutes.

Two days ago:

Ella: “Mama? How do babies get inside your tummy?”

Me: (without missing a beat) “God puts them there.” They’re not going to get me twice!

817 S.Quincy - Month 14

Marriage is similar to running a small business. There are subordinates to manage, finances to control, property to maintain and appointments to schedule and attend. Pretty soon the dreams that created the entity can become lost. The hopes and plans can disappear into the day-to-day maintenance of the business. Sometimes the CEO and COO have to arrange for a meeting to talk about the big issues in the corporation.

Early last week, Chris asked me to get a sitter for that Friday night so that we could go for a hike and talk about our vacation home in Green Bay. I believe the house presents itself as the nucleus of all the stress and anxiety that probably hangs over our life on an every day basis, but isn’t overtly noticed or discussed. Almost every time we try to discuss anything related to the house, the conversation becomes loud and argumentative at the most – tense at the least. Some weeks I’ll want to lowball the price and take a huge loss, while others I’ll want to maintain status quo and wait the SHITTY Green Bay housing market out. Usually he’ll be at the opposite spectrum that I am which causes a lot of the strife. We are currently “investing” approximately $2,000 a month into this lovely property. Obviously this has to end.

Hiking, for the first time sans preschoolers, we ascended the Rattlesnake Gulch trail. I didn’t bring my camera because it was a business meeting after all. The first mile we talked superficially about heart rates and fitness, the condition of the trail and upcoming events on the family calendar. About a mile in, I broke the peace and descended into a scary place called Real Life. “I called the mortgage guy.” “When?” he responded. “A few days ago. He really yelled at me.” Aghast he asked, “Why would Eric yell at you?” (Eric is a high school buddy of Chris’.) “He raised his voice, after we had talked awhile, and asked me to tell him what happens when you dig a hole. Then he asked me what happens when you keep on digging. The conversation ended with these words ringing in my ears – ‘IT GETS DEEPER!’” Chris and I finally agreed to re-list with a broker. We had terrible luck with the last one and now the price is so low – we really can’t afford to use one. According to Eric, however, we can’t afford not to. About an hour into our hike we were joined by a snake. As we rounded a bend, there was a white-ish snake with criss-crosses on its back and rings around its tail. We don’t know if it was a rattlesnake or not, but it sure scared me. Small, but it had it’s head and tail up and stared at us menacingly. Similar to our real estate dilemma, we were at a loss for what to do. We couldn’t go back – the trail dead-ended. We couldn’t go forward. We had to wait it out.

I’m particularly angry and anxious about our predicament. I am told constantly that this is out of my control and that worrying is misguided. I agree, but don’t know how else to be. How can I not worry about the loss of money that affects us daily? How can I not be angry over the loss of all the equity I’ve earned over the years on houses I owned before I even knew Chris? How can I not worry about being able to even attain a loan to cover our loss, if we do ever sell, for that potential closing? How can I not worry about the terrible toll this has taken on my family? How can I not be angry over this entire thing? I have asked many of my close friends, colleagues and hell – anyone who will listen, why they think this happened. More specifically – what am I supposed to be learning from this? No one has given me an answer I am satisfied with.

Life is really hard. Keeping up with the day-to-day business of running a family is exhausting. Throw in an extra stressor or two, and it can throw people like me over the edge.

As I laughed and danced a lot during my four days in Nashville, I felt strange. I thought it might be because I was unencumbered by my kids. Or I thought that it might be because I was in a really fun city with great nightlife. No, I think that strange feeling was happiness. My boss even commented on how great it was to see me smile. I was genuinely joyful. I felt in control of my time, my money, and my decision-making.

As a kid, I remember having occasional family meetings when we had to discuss big issues. I think all families need to do that. Maybe they should even generate an annual report to assess yearly progress towards short and long term goals. Possibly, if we had done more of this we would not be in the situation we are in. Hindsight is 20/20. I HATE that. I am not good with not knowing what the future brings. I think if I were granted three wishes, one of them might be to see into the future. Knowing the outcome in life would sure save the energy I waste worrying. I want to be more carefree, as I was in Tennessee, more often.

More shots of my second day in Nashville. Or we could call this another break from posting pictures of my children!

Amanda and I must not be too bright. This is an area of the conference center that we missed the first day because you know, it's easy to miss large trees, indoor rivers and BOATS inside.

Splurge of my trip. New bracelet bought in cool conference center.

I can now die happy. I made it to BB Kings Blues Club.

Our evening could have been re-named The Corruption of Dr. Randy". Of the seven of us travelling together, Randy is the only Mormon. He's been dragged into a lot of bars and has only walked out of one!

Sorry about the flash blinding you, but it was hard to take a picture of the lead singer of the band singing to my collegue, Maggie. It was probably because I couldn't stop dancing in my chair or it might of been the Long Island Iced Teas. What do you think?

New friends on left. Jeff, a.k.a. restaurant-picker-outer man, on right. The woman on the far left is a grandma - can you believe that?????

Out on the Town

This was taken about 15 minutes and four beers ago. A little blurry, but shows that we're having fun. The beautiful woman on the right is Amanda - my work buddy. We had a blast tonight "honky tonkin'" as Katie calls it. In a comment made on my post from yesterday, Katie - a native - was kind enough to tell us what to do. We followed her instructions implicitly!

Lynard Skynard to Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson

This guy was amazing. Nineteen years old and he had an incredible energy. His voice could sound like anyone. It was fun to hear live music again. I have such a love for it.