Wednesday, November 08, 2006

My kids - the bullies

I hate to admit the things that happened today, but this is supposed to be a record of my kids' lives...I need to remember the bad with the good.

Harrison is my more challenging child. His behaviors are straight forward and tangible. For example, today he socked a boy in the nose so hard that it bled. It was an accident. It usually is, but he still hurt someone. He was egging on two boys who were wrestling at recess. As the play fighting escalated, Harry apparently got excited and joined in by jumping on the two. He inadvertantly hit one of them. His teacher literally came chasing after me on the school lawn to tell me. She was kind about it. She started by telling me that his behavior in class was perfect today before dumping the disaster at recess on me. I was proud and totally frustrated all in a matter of 15 seconds.

As I spent the next few minutes with Harrison alone, before picking up Ella, I tried to understand what had happened. Once again, I was reminded of the definition of impulsivity. There is no reason - it just happens for Harry. He does things without thought and then regrets the consequences. After we "talked", a friend of ours approached and offered to take Harrison home for a playdate for the next hour. He was thrilled. I was, too, as I worry that his impulsivity will begin to cause him to lose friends.

I picked up Ella, and her friend, for a pre-planned playdate. They were adorable - thrilled to be together. Soon after we got home, a neighbor came over with her younger daughter. I assumed that adding a third girl to the mix would be easy. I assumed that my daughter would welcome this girl into their game of "house" and I would be able to chat with my friend for a half hour or so. I was wrong. Immediately Ella started communicating negative statements about this new girl joining their game. She was rude and non-inclusive. I was mortified. I pulled Ella aside a few times to talk to her about her uncharacteristic behavior. This just made things worse. The
negativity oozing out of Ella continued for about ten minutes. At this point, my neighbor and her daughter left. I told Ella how upset I was, but couldn't properly handle the problem due to the first friend's presence.

Two terrible scenarios in one day. Two scenarios that I never expected to have to deal with. I truly do not know which one bothers me more. I certainly don't want my son to be someone who hits - but he claims it was an accident. I can't get over the "mean girl" that took over my daughter's body right before my very eyes - but did I possibly set up a 4 year old with something that she wasn't able to handle?

I am not feeling overwhelmed, but I do wonder why it has to be so eventful and difficult. I really hope the weekend brings some relief.


blackbird said...

Ah...these are SAHM problems, I think.
Ella probably isn't old enough to have a third child added to her mix at a playdate - and the negativity is probably easily taken care of with a conversation about rudeness. Or keeping thoughts in one's head so as not to upset people.

Harry is tougher.
If he truly has an impuslive streak, if children 'get hurt' when he is around them, it can be complicated to deal with, and there are many avenues to explore.

In the meantime it sounds as though you are getting a trial by fire!
Although, there can be nothing more important (right now) than being with them to deal with these issues.

Crazy said...

Ahhh, the old third wheel playdate problem. We've had that before. Sometimes you'll have a group that gets along fine and sometimes they are like oil and water. And, by my experience, you never really can tell how it is going to work out in the end!

Hang in there, Carol. If the old saying "when it rains it pours" is true, maybe you'll be back to sunny skies today!

Psycho Kitty said...

Harrison sounds *so* much like my Boy. If it makes you feel any better at all, each year brings growth for him and more control over the impulsivity. We still have our challenges, but I wish I could have had a vision of the present back when he was in kindergarten and I was on the verge of taking off to Costa Rica.

Finding My New Normal said...

Oh my. The three girls playing together myth. I remember that all through grade school, Kenda, Jennifer, and I had all kinds of problems because two of us would be getting along great, but the three of us were trouble. It is just how it is with girls in threes. If there are is MUCH better because then everyone has an ally.

Sharkey said...

Oh my gosh, Carol! I can't believe it's been so long since I've stopped by here. For the last few weeks I've noticed that your posts weren't showing up in my feed reader, but I just thought you were taking a break. But now I'm guessing you upgraded to Blogger Beta and that's why it didn't display your new posts.

And now you've got a new look and a new job! Sounds like you're still ironing out the wrinkles, but I bet you'll love it after everyone gets into the groove.

Anonymous said...

3 kids together at any age can be tough , boys or girls. inevitably 2 take sides against the other. my son is 12 and still has problems w/ a "threesome". he is usually the excluded one , even w/ his 2 best friends. my 15 yr old daughter went thru the same thing from 1st grade on up and still at times faces it now w/ her friends. they do learn how to stand up for themselves and work it out. at your daughter's age i can see how she might not have wanted to share her other friend w/ a 3rd.

Irene said...

you know about Newton's third law? this is what I keep telling myself when I have a challenging day with my boys.

I hope you had a quiet, and restful weekend my friend.

Smoov said...

I learned that three girls together doesn't usually work out, they always end up excluding one. Better to have even numbers!