Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I had a week "off" between the three weeks of house guests and my first day back at work. I had great aspirations of finishing all the projects I mentally had set up for myself back in June.

Didn't happen.

So here I sit, exhausted after only three days back in the working-mommy-grind, trying to at least record a bit of our life of late.

These pictures wer taken the other day. I attempted to take four kids to a professional soccer team practice. The parking was a nightmare so we didn't get to go. Harrison, however, made the best of it by playing soccer at the park with his best buddy. She is the proud owner of the original "baby Seal". Grandma sent a new baby Seal a few months ago from Wisconsin. I don't get the obsession, but it is somewhat comforting to know that there is another child affixed to a large white stuffed seal just a few doors down.

Going back to work has been tough. I'm not sure if this is the best profession for me anymore. My empathy for adolescents has waned over the past 14 years. Starting Year 15 seems a bit overwhelming. I worry that I won't be able to give any more of myself.

Finding sitters for the 12 day gap, before the kids' schools start, has been an even tougher challenge than going back to work. We found a former nanny, who is GREAT, but extremely expensive. I'm paying her almost more than I'm making. I also worry about what is going on all day. She was recommended through someone we know, but she is still a stranger. Due to her high hourly rate, I've pieced together an extremely complex schedule that slips in three other adults to cover this time period. The kids are starting to ask - "who is watching us tomorrow??"

Guilt, and more guilt. Motherhood.

Chris' birthday was yesterday. He worked late and I didn't do as much in the present department as I would have liked. The kids got him another Johnny Cash CD (Chris loves to crank "Burning Ring of Fire"on the minivan's AWESOME stereo for them.) His wrist is slowly healing. He can do a few more things, but still can't write at all. He never complains. I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be.

Harrison starts first grade next Wednesday. The anticipation looms for Friday at 4:00 when they post the class lists. Harry is excited for school to begin. That, to me, is the best gift his Kindergarten teacher could have given him.

Ella's preschool is changing locations and will be closer and have a much better facility. She doesn't really understand how great this is - all she wants to know is if she'll have a locker. Where do four year olds pick up stuff like that?

Still dieting and exercising like mad. Not happy with the results (of course) - really wish I was. I write all the time about appreciating what I have - not worrying about the "little" stuff - seizing the day, etc. Even as I sit here in some pants I bought for my mom, right before she died and was pretty little, and all I can think is that I wish they fit looser. OH. MY. GOD. WHO CARES??? I want to yell at myself some days. Your mother DIED, for god sakes. Did you not learn anything from that?

I have. Chris and I try to remember this often. In fact, he is almost better at this than I am. His feelings of loss are also strong.

These ramblings are all over the place. It's hard for me to sit down and write about one of these at a time because I over analyze and then think it will take too much emotional (and physical) energy. Overall, I'm good. Chris and I are happier than we've been in a long time. The kids are happy and becoming easier to parent every day. The other stuff will come with time.

Oh - did I mention....I still really miss my mom.

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