Monday, January 02, 2006

...snowshoeing on Sunday

I have been wanting to go do some of these things for so long. We live about a mile from an Olymic venue skating rink, but my kids have never been in skates until last Saturday.

I talked about it for a few days, but when Saturday morning arrived I couldn't imagine the energy it would take to get them into their car seats, let alone their winter gear. This past week has been slow and comfortable. The kids and I have been staying home, playing with Christmas toys and doing a lot of drawing. I have been doing a lot of sitting. I haven't run, or gone to my spinning class, since I flew home to be with my mom those last few days. I didn't do laundry last week, nor did I clean much.

Mostly I sit and eat. Or sit and think. Or sit and look at pictures. I'm doing a lot of reflection these days, but don't ask me about resolutions. I don't want to think beyond now.

Chris has been amazing through all of this. He, as well as Ella, seem to have a keen sense of when I am more sad than other times. He hasn't been upset at my lack of productivity lately. The house has been a shambles and he doesn't let it bug him. I am so grateful for my family.

Saturday, as I dragged my ever expanding be-hind to the ice rink, I started to feel better. Harrison, my more negative, apprehensive child, actually laughed the entire time while he attempted to stand on ice in hard boots with thin blades. "Mama! This stuff is sooooo slippery!" It was wonderful. The more he laughed, the more I smiled until I actually laughed with him. Out loud. It wasn't hard. It made me feel better. So much better that I decided I wanted to celebrate New Year's Eve. The kids ate organic whole wheat macaroni (AWFUL) while Chris and I grilled a steak and some tiger shrimp. We made garlic mashed potatoes and a salad. It was wonderful.

One day at a time. Isn't that the expression people talk about when things are sad? I guess that will be my mantra for 2006. I will try to figure out how I am supposed to go back to work after three weeks tomorrow. I will try to figure out how I am supposed to stop thinking about my mom most of my waking hours. I will try to figure out how to stop the image of my mom laying in bed, not breathing, from popping into my mind every few hours. I have a lot to work on. One day at a time.

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