Monday, May 08, 2006

Long week

I've never been close to anyone who has lost someone close to them. My grandparents either died before I was born, or died when I was too young (or adolescent) to appreciate what my mom was going through. One of my friends lost her mom when I was in my twenties, but I lived so far away that I never really saw, or felt, her pain. That's it.

So here I am – going through this incredibly awful experience basically alone. I don’t think that people truly understand what grief feels like unless they’ve been through it. I’m fairly new to this town, but am fortunate to have made some good friends. Fortunately, most of them can only sympathize, but not empathize. I don’t want them to know what this feels like – to lose a person in your life that gave you complete loyalty and unending love.

So where does this leave me? Alone with these feelings. Feelings that I can’t put into exact words, but I want to so that someone else might get it. Feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, relief (I don’t have to find her the perfect gift this Sunday), guilt and emptiness.

I never thought I’d be the type to experience “anniversary” feelings – those feelings a person gets on the anniversary of a death, the person’s birthday, etc, but I am. I am struggling with Mother’s Day. The cards, the special ad inserts in the paper, and the commercials. They really bug me.

I’m hoping that the run this weekend, Race for the Cure, is healing instead of painful. I know it will probably be both.

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