Wondering

I’m pretty hard on myself. I never feel I’ve done enough or done it well enough. I think this is a female thing, but I seem to have been given an extra dose of it. Recently, someone listed all the things I’ve been doing lately and the list even impressed me: full-time job, running, Weight Watchers, photography class and mother of two preschoolers. She left off home owner, wife and real estate agent (who can forget the vacation home). Anyway, I think I’m giving myself permission to be overwhelmed at times.

Tonight, though, I’m feeling pretty guilty. I got up and ran before the kids woke up and then had to rush to get ready for work. When the kids woke up – mid my getting-ready routine – I wasn’t able to give them my full attention. I went to work all day and had more to do than hours to do them in. I work thirty minutes from home and have to leave at a certain time to get to them before their school closes. I had a project to finish and had to call Chris, who took them to school, to pick them up. I arrived home at 5:59 PM and had 16 minutes to change, eat and play with them before Beth was coming to pick me up for our photography class. Harrison quickly reminded me that I had promised to make him pudding for dessert tonight. It was instant pudding, so I managed to do that, too. I ran out the door and the kids didn’t really seem to mind. Bad sign?

Class was challenging as usual. Our instructor is a little right brained and scattered. He has so much to teach us and just spews and spews. I have to really concentrate to take it all in. It’s hard work. After class I asked Beth to drive me to my dealership to finally pick up the Passat. I got in and went to put my coffee cup in my cup holder and it was jammed shut. Ok, I thought, I’ll just call them later about that. I turned it on and while I was securing my cup, the engine died. It’s been raining a lot, so I gave it a second try thinking moisture might be an issue. As I was reversing it out of the spot, it died again. After the third stall, I pulled back into the spot and jumped back in with Beth. Saga continues.

I got home about 9:05 PM, and luckily for me, the kids were still awake well past their bedtime. I listened to two bedtime stories with them and then they fell right asleep.

My first priority is supposedly my family. Today I saw my kids for approximately 60 minutes. My husband – about the same. He fell into bed when the kids did because he’s been up since 3:30 AM this morning due to insomnia.

So here I sit on the couch wondering if this is okay. Will my kids appreciate that I tried to better myself through classes and time away occasionally? Will extra hours at my job bring me any kind of satisfaction? These are hard choices. I don’t think I could be a stay at home mom, but I’m not sure this full time working mom thing is always the best alternative. I know there are other ways – work from home, work part time, etc. We just can’t financially swing big changes right now. I know I’ve written about this before, but I don’t think introspective folk, like me, ever stop contemplating.