Bah-humbug

So my mom went in for her procedure today. Attempt number four. Spoke to my dad tonight. After all the waiting and hoping, it was a bust. The gastric doctor wasn't able to get a stint into her liver bile duct. Apparently the mass that blocks it is too large. She told my father that it is probably a "large" cancerous tumor.

We are back to square one. My mother will have to consult with her oncologist, but my father believes the writing is on the wall. When this blockage was first detected, the doctor said that if her blockage wasn't corrected - her life expectency would be short. I have no idea what "short" means, but probably weeks.

Last night, my mom and I got in a fight. Just like the old days. She heard my kids in the background and I said something about them being "out of control". She quickly told me that I say that many times a week. She went into a lecture, of sorts, telling me that I need to take control of my out of control children. She reminded me that she hadn't parented like that, etc. It was awful. I became defensive, child-like and started crying. I was so mad at her, but so guilt-ridden at the same time.

How are you supposed to act with a mother dying of cancer? What's the protocol when their illness is in its final stages? Hell, I've never even been around anyone close to death, let alone know how to handle it.

I want to plan for the holidays, but how can I? I need to calm down and take this one day at a time. Until she meets with the doctor, I will continue to have hope.